Let me Get this off my chest… Part 2

My last let me get this off my chest post focused on the difficulty I had getting over my break up and the positive qualities you should look for in a partner.  This post will be dedicated to things that can put wrenches or end a relationship. The issues I list below impacted my relationship and caused its doom.  These two posts are a way for me to process the events  of the break up, an attempt to finally get closure, and to help others struggling through a relationship or break up.

Qualities that can negatively impact a relationship.  Keep in mind every relationship is different and not all of these problems will be present in every relationship.

Value: Make sure that you and your partner value each other.  We both did in the beginning months of our relationship but for him it started to fade the longer we were together.  I kind of felt like he did not value me or my time the longer we dated.  It was a point of frustration for me and on this I should have made my voice heard more.  When I was commuting 45 minutes to his place every for the day (Sat or Sunday) every weekend then it was a problem.  It showed that he did not value me or my time.

Effort: This is a major reason our relationship collapsed.  I always put effort into our relationship. I would drive down to his town for the day or for a few hours just to see him and he would never come up to my area to see me or even give up one Friday night out with coworkers to spend time with me.  He would not put time in to planning dates and we eventually would just hang out at his house and watch Netflix and sports.  Over time I felt like I was constantly putting in effort and he was just coasting along through our relationship.  He just expected me to to all of the work and that is not ok.  Both parties should but all the effort they can into a relationship.

Priority:  This was another major issue in my last relationship.  I would put our relationship first and even gave up plans with my family the day after Christmas so that I could meet his aunt because I knew that was important to him.  In our relationship I would do whatever I could to be with him and he would not reciprocate.   This included me rearranging and giving up plans with family or friends so that I could be with him.  I would make sure that our relationship was one of my top priorities and he did not see things that way.  His priorities were family work, friends, sports, then our relationship.  Our relationship was dead last to him.  He basically fit me in when it was convenient or when it worked for him. I understand family and work  coming before a significant other but friends and sports should come secondary to a long term relationship.  I invited him to events with my friends and their significant others and he never went or reciprocated with his friends.  He would not even give up one Friday night out of the month with his co-workers so that we could spend time together.  He couldn’t do that and it made me mad.

Saying the only time you can spend time with me all week is a Sunday dinner because  you just had to go to your friends  football party in the afternoon or you fit time in with me for five hours on a Saturday because of you had to go see a hockey game with your buddies (the five hours was all the time that we would see each other that week). This was one of the frustrating issues for me because I am a quality time person and I was snot nearly getting enough quality time int his relationship.  I was the back burner or show off girl.  I mean the following puts things in perspective: W were going out for a year never spent a whole weekend together.  This should have been a red flag for me.  I did bring up that I would like to see him more and he agreed but nothing on his end changed.

Communication: This is different for every couple but is something that can be so trivial can greatly impact a relationship. My recommendation is to talk, talk, and guess what talk even more to each other.  Talk about anything and everything.  Open communication is crucial for a relationship to succeed.  If only one party communicates than it will cause cracks within the relationship.

When something bothered me I would always bring it up to my ex me so I could get his thoughts on the issue.  Most times he would not communicate his feelings.  He would say that he is logical and analytical so that is why he did not need to be emotional or talk about certain things.  I would bring up things related to our time spent together, effort, prioritization, and intimacy and he hardly voiced his opinion.  Most times he would say that he was happy in ur relationship or that he had to defend himself over issues and I was not placing blame or attacking him, or he would use the logical/analytical excuse as a reason not to talk about things.  It was so frustrating and his lack of communication caused major rifts and problems in our relationship.

Time spent together: This is fuel that will help your relationship grow and flourish unless you are long distance.  We live a 40 minute drive apart and he rarely drove up to my town or spend the night at my place.  He would always  have an excuse about why he could not stay the night or drive up to my area to hang out.  I loved spending time with him and would drive to him just so that we could be together.  He drove to my area a few times (5 times in all the 10 months we were dating) but he never spent  the night.  I would see him, in person, for about 7 or less hours per week.  We were dating for 12 months and barely saw each other in person!

What I have learned from all of this…

We did not have enough quality time for our relationship survive.  I was tired of only visiting him for one day, if that, a week or for a few hours. I would always drive to his area all the time and it was not fair to me.  HE would make minimal effort with the commenting even after I talked to him about it.  It changed for like a week and then went back to the same old things.  I know people make sacrifices in relationships and make things work be he was not.  I mean we had no pictures together, he would never want to talk to me on the phone unless I called him (he hates the way his voice sounded which is a load of BS),  We did not spend the weekend

I think I covered everything and I feel like I wrote a book!  But, I had to get all of that off my chest and surprisingly it has helped me a lot!  I learned that I did not value myself and let my ex get away with behavior that I was not ok with.  Next time I will communicate more and if the guy chooses not to change or ignores what I say then I will dump him instead of putting forth more effort.  On the other hand I can  scale back my effort and contact to see if it the guy even notices or how he reacts. It know that sounds terrible but maybe it will show me how much the guy values my time, effort, and prioritizes me.  I should have done that with my ex

So guys and gals always make sure your relationship is up at the top of your priority list for it to stay strong and grow!  It is not right for one person to put more effort in to the relationship. For a relationship to fully work both parties need to dedicate time and effort to it, communicate with each other, see each other in person, not make excuses for their behavior, and make each other a priority when you get serious.

Conclusion

This is NOT men bashing because these issues happen with WOMEN and not just men.  Women can do the same things to their significant others as well.  These are just the problems that I experienced in this relationship.  It taught me a lot and realized that both people need to want to communicate with each other and work things our which did not happen when I brought up the issues that bothered me.

Hope all of the above helps some reader out there!  This is just my opinion and my experience form one of my relationships.  Every person experiences and interprets things differently.  SO basically take from this what you will.

TO help me truly get over the break up I think that I should heed the advice of the below phrase

 

I am important and deserved to be treated well and I should not expect anything less.  All of this falls back on self worth, self value, confidence, and self love.

Let me get this off my chest… Part 1

Apparently my blog posts have focused on certain themes lately which seem to be dating, breaking up, and my ex boyfriend.  So, I figured I would take one or two posts to lay my emotions out on the table in an effort to help me get over him and make peace with everything. Please bear with me because this is a bit long but I feel it is necessary.  Maybe I will even help somebody in the process.

My last break up hit me really hard and it has taken a long time to process and work through the feelings felt.  To be quite frank I am not over him and by this point in time it should be a thing of the past.  For some reason I miss him and memories we had in our relationship.  I know he has moved on because the day we broke up (New Years Eve morning btw) he completely cut contact with me.  I even attempted to wish him a Happy New Year and got no response.  That stung that after a year he just cut me out with no thought at all.  It is like he threw everything we had together, crumpled it up, and threw it in the trash. Talk about being hurt so much and I am still hurting which sucks.

The break up was difficult  for me and  broke my heart.  It hurt more than any other break I have had.  What hurt the most was when he admitted he would not fight for our relationship, he could not break up with me in person because it would hurt him too much to see my face ( he was being a pussy we together for a year and he could not even break up with me in person which I deserved), he said we thought differently, and that I hurt him more than anyone had in his life and he would not be able to get over this.

Short story  is that he was not a good communicator and I tried to work out things that were bothering me to his answers of that he is happy.  After the holidays I blew up at him because I just was frustrated and it wasn’t planned it just happened.  I told him I was sorry and he texted saying he wanted to try to resolve things with me.  Then the next morning I called him to work things out and he broke up with me.  It sucks and it felt like I was sucker punched in the gut and chest.  Basically we both got hurt and it is terrible.

That us how our relationship ended in one long phone call where he said he likes me a lot, a lot, a lot but wouldn’t fight for us because we think differently and that would cause problems in our future.  The thinking differently would cause “the ugly beast to rear its head” his exact wording which in my mind refers to his difficulty in communication and his inability to want to solve problems when issues would arrive in our  relationship.

My ex was not a bad guy and was a gentleman.  We did have to work on certain things in our relationship to help it become even stronger: communication (both of us), prioritization and effort (him), talking about emotions (him), talking about intimacy (me & him).  Those were most of the difficulties  we had and some of the things he would not budge on like communicating with me, and it caused tension.  For me priority and effort were big things that need to be present in order to make the relationship work.  He would not budge on certain things.  When I am the one doing all of the commuting in the relationship there is a problem.  That is one sided and problems can not be fixed that way.  But enough about the issues for now because I am going to focus on the positive characteristics her possessed and save the difficult spots for another post.

The good things that came out of my last relationship are qualities that I will look for in another man.  The positive qualities my ex had are fantastic and any woman should look for them int heir significant other.

Good Qualities in Significant Other

-When picking a woman up get out of the car and walk up to her door instead of texting her that you are outside

-Open the doors for you and others

-Always make sure she gets home safe

-Be selfless at times and do things that she is interested in even though you might dislike or it will be out of your comfort zone.

-Make her feel like she is a part of your life by introducing you to family and friends

-Initiate and plan dates throughout the relationship and not just in the beginning stages

-Be respectful to everyone

-Make an effort to meet and be interested in your partners their friends and family

-Be punctual on your dates and if you are running late have the courtesy to call

-Good morning texts and good night texts mean a lot

-Showing affection in public

-Forehead kisses are the best

-Keeping each other updated about your life is important and do it on the daily

-No secrets and I repeat no secrets unless you want everything to fall apart

-Honesty about everything even if it hurts.  This avoids tons of problems

-Cuddling on the couch while watching your favorite Netlix or TV show

-Be in contact with each other daily

-Be willing to support each other through thick and thin

-Show appreciation for each other every day and not just on special occasions

These are just some things that should be present in a successful relationship and positive qualities that good men should display.

Please bear with me because there will be more to come on this and it is Part 2 about issues that can cause the demise of a relationship even if one or both partners exhibit the qualities above.

What are some tips and tricks that helped you get over a break up?  Has there been a relationship that you have not been able to forget or get over?

 

 

Break up Blues and the Single Life

So, as you readers know my boyfriend and I broke up a few months ago.  I’m not going to lie it was not an easy break up and took me awhile to work through the emotions from it.  In fact I am still processing things.  The hardest thing is missing the way he made me feel, his hugs, kisses, cuddling, and the fact that he was alway there to listen and talk things out with me.  It sucks when a person who was such a big part of your life leaves you and does not fight for your relationship.

Since, it has been months since the breakup I have thrown myself back into the dating pool.  It has been so dissapointing and made me miss my ex more than ever.  I am going into everything with an open mind but none of the men I have gone on dates with have lived up to my standards and expectations.  I do my best not to compare my dates to my ex but I wan to find someone who makes me feel like I did when I was with my ex. So far all I have found are guys who have no clue how to plan a date, the socially inept guys, narcissists, and players who just want sex.  My prospects are not looking too good.  I even asked friends if they knew any singles guys or if their significant others did but no luck there.

At times like these I just want my ex and would do anything to change the outcome of our relationship.  I had a connection with him that I did not have with any other guy I ever dated.  He treated me so well but he did not prioritize our relationship. I was like fourth on his list.  it went family, work, friends, sports, me.   I looked passed that for a long time because I loved him.  To me that was  a small problem in our relationship.  I am the one who always gives more without comparing or tit for tat.  But I guess it was causing more issues than I thought I let it all boil up which did not benefit our relationship.

Recently, I have been down and had the breakup blues.  I think of all the memories that we shared and could have shared, how he treated me, and how I felt around him which was always safe and comfortable.  We could just talk about anything together.  If I did not have a certain conversation one day then it would not have spurred him to break up with me.  I know that the last sentence is silly because even if that conversation didn’t take place it does not mean that our relationship would have continued for years and years.  But in my heart I truly feel that if I had decided to have that particular conversation after the holidays things would have worked out better.  Not saying how long we would have lasted because I can not predict the future.

Now, all I need to help me move on and get out of this funk is to find a man who causes me to have the same feelings that my ex did.  I want to experience the same feelings that I felt with my ex.  It’s like we were connected and could just tell how each other felt and what they were thinking without saying a word.  But of course everything wasn’t peachy keen otherwise we would not have broken up. I just want the new guy to make me feel safe, comfortable, listened to, and communicative with me about feelings, issues, and positive things.

I know it is crazy to think this way but since I have started dating again it just hasn’t been the same.  I just wonder where my ex and I would be at this point and how our relationship would have developed.  I know I need to just get over things but it is way more difficult than I thought.      But being back in the dating world has both helped and hindered me. It makes me see what a great man my ex was compared to the guys I have chatted with.  Seriously, there are some douche bags out there in world.

Realistically, I know things between us are done but i do cling to that tiny bit of hope where he will want to talk to me again and we will be friends. But, I know that it will not happen or he would have done it already. I also know that neither my breakup or relationship was as bad as others. Our differences lied in the following our views of relationship priority, his lack of communication skills about various topics and emotions.  But what’s done is done and there is no use crying over spilled milk.

What have you guys and gals done in situations like this?  What has helped you get over an ex? How long did it take you to get over an ex?  Have any of you reunited with an ex after certain period of time?

To the next woman in his life….

I had the idea for this post after reflecting on all of the good times my ex and I have shared and the reasons why our relationship lasted so long without major problems.  This is what I would have to say if I was ever asked about or had to talk about my ex or need to give advice to the next woman in his life.

To the next woman who will date my ex,

First off, let me say that you are a lucky gal because you found a man who is respectful, will care about you, keep you safe, listen to you, remember the little things you say, make sure you got home safe, and not pressure you to do anything that is not comfortable.  There are not many men in the dating scene who are like this and all of the above qualities are important in a relationship.  You are probably surprised that I  am having a positive take and not jumping on the negative train and bashing my ex.  Yes, there were qualities that made us incompatible or things in our relationship that he did not want to compromise on like giving up a Friday night out with his co-workers to spend time with me.  Another big thing is that if  you live far from his town it will be a struggle to get him to visit you because he doesn’t like to drive too far or he will come up with an excuse as to why he can’t make it up your way.  Some of those items above might be major issues for you but both of you should  try your hardest to work through the issues.  Look for the good despite the bad and remember why the both of you began dating in the first place.  That will help a lot trust me!

Everyone has unlikable e traits and both parties contribute to a relationship failure.  There are things I did or said that caused some problems in our relationship.  I am not perfect and neither is he but he is genuine and will do his best in the relationship.  Its just sometimes what he thinks is best is not good enough and is not enough to make the relationship work (at least in my relationship with him).  Also, settling is not good either and neither of you should settle on each other.  Both of you should be head over heels in love with each other.  So never settle and do not continue the relationship if you feel like you are settling.  It will be better to say how you are feeling than lead him on.  Please do not hurt his feelings.  That he does not deserve!  He deserves to be treated with respect and care.

It is important to be patient with him because he moves slower than other men and it will take him time to open up to you.   Just be there for him and  if you go fast slow down a bit for him.  He will listen to what you are saying and try but it does not mean things will change within your relationship and might cause frictions between the two of you.  Yes, relationships are not perfect but make sure you always communicate even about the tough stuff.  He might not like that you are being straight up with him and he will get defensive and complain but this is important.  Never just sit back and let things fester because then it will blow up in both of your faces. we never screamed or yelled at each other but always talked things out even if it was tough stuff.  For me it was always about the open line of communication.  This helped us work through things not everything but majority of things.  So, do that even if it is awkward or hurtful.  Something that festers is not good an leads to even more problems.

My advice to you is to enjoy the moments you spend together and be happy that you found one of the good guys.  The guy that will always listen, care about you, and want you to be a part of his life, he might be a bit shy and a tad bit awkward but he is well worth it and an upstanding guy.  So, definitely work through the tough stuff and so everything you can to stay together.  Show him that you will not give up and sometimes you might need to be blunt for him to realize your feelings or how things are affecting you.  But most important of all do not give up on this relationship and do whatever you can to make it work!  You have fantastic guy so be thankful and appreciate everything that you have in the relationship and if things do not work out try to end things well.  try to part o n good terms.  Ours was not on that great of terms and it sucked for me.  But I still wish him well and hope that you both respect and treat each other right!

Best wish,

His past girlfriend