An insight to an ending

So, over the past few weeks I have been thinking about my ex a lot. This was by far my worst breakup and I think the fact that I did not get closure and how much of a shock the break up was deeply affected me. I try not to replay events that occurred during our relationship and wonder what could have been between us.

One point that stuck out recently was a discussion my ex and I had about the ending of the book Brooklyn by: Colm Tobin. We both read the book and discussed it. The ending of the novel was a rather tricky discussion for us because we both had different viewpoints about how the novel closed. I agreed with the ending and stated my reasons why and my ex did not agree with the ending and stated his reasons why. It was a fun discussion and neither of us bashed each because of our views. When everything was said and done we never brought up the book again but i have always remembered the discussion.

Recently, a close family member read the book and we discussed it and of course talked about the ending.  For those of you that don’t know the ending of the book: Eilis, main character, chooses to travel back to Brooklyn to be with Tony, a young man she married, instead of stay in her hometown of  Einscorthy, Ireland with a man she met named Jim.  We discussed the ending and it took me back to when my ex and I were talking about it.  It was eye opening rememberance  now because of how that long ago conversation about the book that I had with my ex was  foreshadowing of our relationship history.  I was the more spontaneous, adventurous and emotional one.  He was the one who played it safe, wouldn’t take risks, was logical, and unemotional.  I guess I did not think of it then but that’s how our relationship was.  He would not get out of his comfort zone or his hometown town to explore other areas or be spontaneous with me.  He would want to stay close to his home or do things that were convienet or comfortable to him.  He was a lot like Jim in the story.  I was more like Eilis because I wanted to experience different things and have new adventures instead of do the same things or stay in the same place.

In regards to our discussion about the ending of the book I agreed with the ending of the story believing that Elish saw that there was no future or growth for her in Ireland.  She would be in the same town she grew up in with the same people of her past who will not not let her forget her past and would always remind her of it. Also, there are not many opportunities for her to travel or have a career in her hometown or while she was with  Jim. Yes, Eilis would have had a comfortable life with Jim, who was  was very content running the pub for the rest of his life, but I could sense Eilis wanted more than the simple life.

My ex disagreed and said that Elish would have been better off staying with Jim because he has a stable job and would be able to provide for Eilis.  He did no think it was right how Eilis left Jim without truly saying goodbye.  He thought that Jim would be the better choice for Eilis than Tony would have because he felt that she could have better and more stable life in Ireland than she could in America.  His opinion was fine but I should have really listened and saw the similarities between things but I didn’t.

Our discussion foreshadowed the ending of our relationship.  I wanted more effort put into our relationship, I was the more adventurous one, and I could not sit in the same place on a couch all day and watch the world pass me by.  Basically things ended in part  because he played it too safe like Jim and would not initiate plans or explore new places like Tony.  So, that is partly how it ended and what influenced it’s end.  Oh, boy, I love this book but after that convo with my family member it made me think so much about my last relationship.   I think I need to take the advice of the quote below and just move forward and start a new.

The Margarita Confessionals

So, I was looking stuff up on the internet and stumbled upon this website Sound Cloud  featuring podcasts of The Margarita Confessionals.  The name was catchy and the topics were right up my alley so there was nothing else to do besides  hit play.  Of course their focus is on dating, current dating trends, online dating apps, and dating struggles.  Majority of the topics covered are relatable to me in my life at this time and my dating situation.  I enjoyed what I heard and thought both Ali & Lauren were entertaining.  Since it was a site called Sound Cloud, as its I was not that familiar with, I googled Margarita confessionals to see if their was website.  There was and of course I clicked around.  It is a nicely designed website and I liked reading how both women created the idea for The Margarita Confessionals.  It is very creative name and it is crazy to see how a simple idea they had came to fruition for both women.  If you are in a dating rut, have dating on your mind, or are looking for something interesting to listen to definitely check out their website and take a listen to what they have.

The Margarita Confessionals: http://www.themargaritaconfessionals.com

The Margarita Confessionals Soundcloud: https://soundcloud.com/themargaritaconfessionals

Go check out the above links today!

 

To the next woman in his life….

I had the idea for this post after reflecting on all of the good times my ex and I have shared and the reasons why our relationship lasted so long without major problems.  This is what I would have to say if I was ever asked about or had to talk about my ex or need to give advice to the next woman in his life.

To the next woman who will date my ex,

First off, let me say that you are a lucky gal because you found a man who is respectful, will care about you, keep you safe, listen to you, remember the little things you say, make sure you got home safe, and not pressure you to do anything that is not comfortable.  There are not many men in the dating scene who are like this and all of the above qualities are important in a relationship.  You are probably surprised that I  am having a positive take and not jumping on the negative train and bashing my ex.  Yes, there were qualities that made us incompatible or things in our relationship that he did not want to compromise on like giving up a Friday night out with his co-workers to spend time with me.  Another big thing is that if  you live far from his town it will be a struggle to get him to visit you because he doesn’t like to drive too far or he will come up with an excuse as to why he can’t make it up your way.  Some of those items above might be major issues for you but both of you should  try your hardest to work through the issues.  Look for the good despite the bad and remember why the both of you began dating in the first place.  That will help a lot trust me!

Everyone has unlikable e traits and both parties contribute to a relationship failure.  There are things I did or said that caused some problems in our relationship.  I am not perfect and neither is he but he is genuine and will do his best in the relationship.  Its just sometimes what he thinks is best is not good enough and is not enough to make the relationship work (at least in my relationship with him).  Also, settling is not good either and neither of you should settle on each other.  Both of you should be head over heels in love with each other.  So never settle and do not continue the relationship if you feel like you are settling.  It will be better to say how you are feeling than lead him on.  Please do not hurt his feelings.  That he does not deserve!  He deserves to be treated with respect and care.

It is important to be patient with him because he moves slower than other men and it will take him time to open up to you.   Just be there for him and  if you go fast slow down a bit for him.  He will listen to what you are saying and try but it does not mean things will change within your relationship and might cause frictions between the two of you.  Yes, relationships are not perfect but make sure you always communicate even about the tough stuff.  He might not like that you are being straight up with him and he will get defensive and complain but this is important.  Never just sit back and let things fester because then it will blow up in both of your faces. we never screamed or yelled at each other but always talked things out even if it was tough stuff.  For me it was always about the open line of communication.  This helped us work through things not everything but majority of things.  So, do that even if it is awkward or hurtful.  Something that festers is not good an leads to even more problems.

My advice to you is to enjoy the moments you spend together and be happy that you found one of the good guys.  The guy that will always listen, care about you, and want you to be a part of his life, he might be a bit shy and a tad bit awkward but he is well worth it and an upstanding guy.  So, definitely work through the tough stuff and so everything you can to stay together.  Show him that you will not give up and sometimes you might need to be blunt for him to realize your feelings or how things are affecting you.  But most important of all do not give up on this relationship and do whatever you can to make it work!  You have fantastic guy so be thankful and appreciate everything that you have in the relationship and if things do not work out try to end things well.  try to part o n good terms.  Ours was not on that great of terms and it sucked for me.  But I still wish him well and hope that you both respect and treat each other right!

Best wish,

His past girlfriend

 

 

 

So Love Sucks …

So, My last relationship crashed and burned after 10 months.  It started out good and we were both infatuated with each other.  As our relationship progressed there were differences that he did not want to work through.  Differences were not major but to him they were. It was things like,   It was devastating because I had invested so much into the relationship and thought we would be together for a long time.  However, I felt undervalued during our relationship and not seen as a priority.  For him it was family, work, friends, hockey/soccer, then Amanda (me).  I was basically worked into his schedule at his convience.  That is not how a relationship is supposed to work.  I understand work and family being at the top of a priority list before a relationship but putting friends, co-workers, and sports above me is just wrong.

There were signs throughout the course of the relationship that demonstrated that his lack of prioritizing me.  Two major occurrences were asking me to spend time with him for five hours on one weekend because he had to go to the hockey game with his friends.  Stupid me would drive out to see him for five hours because that was the only time I would get to see him all week.  Another thing that caused issues in our relationship was his refusal to give up or invite me to hang out with his co-workers or friends on Friday nights.  I asked him if he could give up one or two Fridays  with his buddies so that we could spend more time together and he balked at the idea.  Both of those things  should have been red flags about how committed he was to me and our relationship. Since he didn’t give up Friday nights we  hardly spent time together.  We would see each other once a week or for a few hours over a weekend.  That is the only time I would see him for the whole week and it sucked.  Looking back it was more like a friendship than a relationship.The quote below sums up the above and it’s so sad that things were not ended sooner.  But hey you live and you learn and I will not make that mistake again.

Signs that my relationship was doomed:

  • I was not a priority in the relationship
  • He never called on the phone or wanted to talk on the phone
  • Never wanted to come visit me in my town or at my place (we lived about 40 min drive from each other)
  • Never gave up a Friday night with co-workers or invited me to hangout out with them during the 10 months
  • Thought it was acceptable to see me for 5 hours and then I had to wait seven days to see him again
  • We never spent a whole weekend  together (Fri-Sun or Sat.& Sun) while we were dating.  There was always an excuse of how he had to visit friends or family the next day so I would have leave in the morning or not stay the night
  • Whenever I communicated something that bothered me he always got defensive
  • Never expressed his feelings: like if things were bothering him
  • Never expressed emotion or said how he was feeling about the relationship
  • Never wanted to discuss emotions or feelings in the relationship

I am not bashing him at all because the success of our relationship did not have anything to do with how he treated me.  He was a gentleman, was very nice, and respectful toward me.  However, niceness does not mean that a romantic relationship is going to work or is meant to be.  Despite his gentlemanly status, he was not ready to be in a romantic relationship (at least one with me) based on the lack of prioritization, lack of emotional communication, and hardly ant effort put into making our relationship successful.  Just because a man treats you right does not justify a lack of effort in a relationship nor does it mean that you should remain int he relationship because the person is nice and kind.

All of his good qualities are what made me love him, fight for our relationship, and not speak up as much as I should have. At the end of the day we had a friendship going on and not a true romantic relationship. The way things ended between us hurt me to my core and made me sad a long while. I kept going over events and decisions in our relationship to figure out what I could have changed or done better.  No matter how many times I re evaluated events and occurrences it does change the fact that we are broken up.  There are no guarantees or crystal balls in life and even if we did not break up when we did and stayed together there is no way to know if we would have lasted.  No matter how many times I replay things in my mind it does not mean things would have ended up with us being together forever  We could have just broken up at a different point in time.

 

Now, after doing my best to get over this man, I have jumped back in to the online dating realm which seems to have gotten worse than I remember it.  I’ll try my luck at meeting another man who I will be compatible with.

Below are quotes the sum up what I want in a relationship.  Hopefully I can find a man that can live up to both quotes one day.  I thought I found a man who could live up to these but apparently not since our relationship has ended.

Be on the look out for a post about my current dating adventures, mishaps, and crazy stories!  This is bound to be an interesting journey and one where I branch out and try new dating sites!  I’ll see how it goes and will keep an open mind to the process.

Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life

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I was so excited when I heard that more episodes of Gilmore Girls were coming to Netflix! So of course I marked my calendar and anticipated the day that the four episodes would be released! November 25th could not arrive soon enough for me!

Finally the day arrived and I was thrilled! I just had to watch all of these episodes no matter what. I almost did a binge watching session but decided against it. Instead I watched two episodes on Friday and the other two on Saturday.

I was thrilled to see old characters and the writers sure tried to cram everyone in to these four episodes. I was very pleased with how things went and could relate to Rory’s struggle of finding her place, her career, her voice, and just feeling lost. I am currently going through some of those things now. So, I think these four episodes took a different path than how I thought but in a good way. Before diving into the episodes I figured the focus would be on a successful Rory with a great journalism career. She would be taking time out or a vacation to visit Star’s Hollow to see her family and catch up with the happenings in town. But Amy Sherman-Palladino,the writer, took another path and showed a more reality type version of events. Not everything goes as planned or is like a storybook ending.

The episodes were lengthy and some of them felt a bit dragged out such as the episode where Lorelai and Emily were going to therapy. I think most of the old characters

Questions/Comments I have from the episodes:

No theme song … I repeat no theme song.  I was so bothered by this to no end. Yes, the episodes were titled by the seasons which were featured in the Carole King theme song but it is not the same.   So, it is safe to say that I was really disappointed by this detail being left out. 😦

Who and why is Mr. Kim at the food festival? He was never in the original Gilmore Girls and now randomly appears. That was unnecessary.

Dean shows up at Doose’s.  Really?  There was absolutely no point or reason for him to be there.  Regular Gilmore Girls fans know that Dean is married and that Rory almost ruined that relationship.  Another random pop-in

Kirk is so annoying throughout this series. He was always a bit quirky and annoying during the regular seasons but he go under my skin so much more in these episodes. The ooh-ber thing drove me nuts. He just annoyed me throughout the episodes.

Who is Paul and where did he come from? I think this was such a silly character to add and even have in the series.  it was literally pointless and it didn’t add anything to the series.

I felt that all the writer attempted to cram pop-ins and sightings of majority of the old characters in the four episodes.

Rory, why is it a good idea to stay at Logan’s place when he is engaged.   This is a big no-no.  Logan should have known better also and suggested that Rory stay somewhere else.  These were just poor decisions on both of their parts.  No good can come from  this situation.

Rory so needs to end up with Jess!  I think they should wind up together!

Leaving everyone hanging at the end when Rory announces that she is pregnant!  I need more episodes!  Amy Sherman- Palladino needs to make more episodes to address this little dilemma.

What are your thoughts on the new Gilmore Girls episodes? What were some of your favorite and least favorite parts?

Just need to come to Jesus or maybe end this …

 

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Yesterday was my breaking point in a lot of things in my life especially concerning my friends and with my significant other.  I want to say boyfriend but I do not know how long that label will last.  So, as you can see from my blog I have not posted a ton about online dating or dating in general.  That is because I have gotten bored and frustrated with the online dating.  Also, I began dating the guy I am seeing now.  It has been going well but lately  things have been going downhill.  There have been little red flags popping up and things have not improved.  The guy and I live a distance apart (40 mins. ) but for me it is not enough to qualify as a long distance relationship.  I have been putting in effort to make things work by visiting him, not being put as priority in his life, seeing him only once per week (btw it sucks), dealing with his major health issue in the beginning of our relationship, and just putting up with stuff that maybe I shouldn’t have such as never talking on the phone with me and hardly planning dates anymore.

My mistake is not speaking up enough. Now, there is this lump in my stomach that this is the end of the road and I am seriously thinking that it is time for us to part ways.  But  I need to give one last ditch effort to see if it’s me blowing things out of proportion.  So, in the tradition of my family it is time for me to have the come to Jesus talk with him.  I need to say what I need to say and see how he feels.  If it doesn’t work it doesn’t work.  There are more fish in the sea and I am done wasting my time and putting in effort for someone who doesn’t reciprocate.

We are either going to fix things during this come to Jesus talk or its done and we part ways.  What sucks even more is that this is all going to be happening over the weekend that I get to celebrate just me and it sucks. For the record he didn’t remember my birthdate.  He could have been sly and been pretending to not remember so that I will not suspect what he had planned.  But I honestly think he didn’t remember the exact date which for me is a red flag.  I don’t want this come to Jesus to happen this coming weekend but I do not want to prolong things to the week after.  But I just need to grab the bull by the horns because I cannot go another week without having this talk.  It’s eating me up inside.  This is just another reason why I should stay single because guys just suck and do not truly care.  Well some do but most I met have not.  Let’s hope this come to Jesus talk works and I can work on fixing things or just peacing out of this relationship.  In some ways I was probably better being single in the first place.

Any advice for this type of thing?  Thanks!

Blogtember 30: September 30

Blogtember 30:  Picture this, you’ve been stopped on the street by the photographer of Humans of New York, and he asks, “What advice would you give to a large group of people?” Share a picture of yourself along with the advice.

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My advice to others will be never settle!  I have learned the hard way that settling gets you nowhere and that it only bring unhappiness.  I have settled in relationships that I found comfortable because I thought I could not do better, I have settled for unfair pay and in a job that was not fulfilling me.  There are so many things that you can settle with but don’t just don’t.  You will have so much stress and unrest from it.  I have learned that once I feel complacent or like I am settling then it is time to move on and look for greener pastures.  Once I become complacent I feel trapped, stuck, and unproductive.  It hinders me and eventually causes me to feel like I am not making a difference or pushing my life forward.  Now when I feel like I am settling I begin to change and like for better things.  There is no reason for me to just stay in a job or with something because it is there at the moment.  There is always something bigger and better within reach and that is what I need to strive to do.  You need to strive for it too and you will be amazed at what you can accomplish!

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