Let me Get this off my chest… Part 2

My last let me get this off my chest post focused on the difficulty I had getting over my break up and the positive qualities you should look for in a partner.  This post will be dedicated to things that can put wrenches or end a relationship. The issues I list below impacted my relationship and caused its doom.  These two posts are a way for me to process the events  of the break up, an attempt to finally get closure, and to help others struggling through a relationship or break up.

Qualities that can negatively impact a relationship.  Keep in mind every relationship is different and not all of these problems will be present in every relationship.

Value: Make sure that you and your partner value each other.  We both did in the beginning months of our relationship but for him it started to fade the longer we were together.  I kind of felt like he did not value me or my time the longer we dated.  It was a point of frustration for me and on this I should have made my voice heard more.  When I was commuting 45 minutes to his place every for the day (Sat or Sunday) every weekend then it was a problem.  It showed that he did not value me or my time.

Effort: This is a major reason our relationship collapsed.  I always put effort into our relationship. I would drive down to his town for the day or for a few hours just to see him and he would never come up to my area to see me or even give up one Friday night out with coworkers to spend time with me.  He would not put time in to planning dates and we eventually would just hang out at his house and watch Netflix and sports.  Over time I felt like I was constantly putting in effort and he was just coasting along through our relationship.  He just expected me to to all of the work and that is not ok.  Both parties should but all the effort they can into a relationship.

Priority:  This was another major issue in my last relationship.  I would put our relationship first and even gave up plans with my family the day after Christmas so that I could meet his aunt because I knew that was important to him.  In our relationship I would do whatever I could to be with him and he would not reciprocate.   This included me rearranging and giving up plans with family or friends so that I could be with him.  I would make sure that our relationship was one of my top priorities and he did not see things that way.  His priorities were family work, friends, sports, then our relationship.  Our relationship was dead last to him.  He basically fit me in when it was convenient or when it worked for him. I understand family and work  coming before a significant other but friends and sports should come secondary to a long term relationship.  I invited him to events with my friends and their significant others and he never went or reciprocated with his friends.  He would not even give up one Friday night out of the month with his co-workers so that we could spend time together.  He couldn’t do that and it made me mad.

Saying the only time you can spend time with me all week is a Sunday dinner because  you just had to go to your friends  football party in the afternoon or you fit time in with me for five hours on a Saturday because of you had to go see a hockey game with your buddies (the five hours was all the time that we would see each other that week). This was one of the frustrating issues for me because I am a quality time person and I was snot nearly getting enough quality time int his relationship.  I was the back burner or show off girl.  I mean the following puts things in perspective: W were going out for a year never spent a whole weekend together.  This should have been a red flag for me.  I did bring up that I would like to see him more and he agreed but nothing on his end changed.

Communication: This is different for every couple but is something that can be so trivial can greatly impact a relationship. My recommendation is to talk, talk, and guess what talk even more to each other.  Talk about anything and everything.  Open communication is crucial for a relationship to succeed.  If only one party communicates than it will cause cracks within the relationship.

When something bothered me I would always bring it up to my ex me so I could get his thoughts on the issue.  Most times he would not communicate his feelings.  He would say that he is logical and analytical so that is why he did not need to be emotional or talk about certain things.  I would bring up things related to our time spent together, effort, prioritization, and intimacy and he hardly voiced his opinion.  Most times he would say that he was happy in ur relationship or that he had to defend himself over issues and I was not placing blame or attacking him, or he would use the logical/analytical excuse as a reason not to talk about things.  It was so frustrating and his lack of communication caused major rifts and problems in our relationship.

Time spent together: This is fuel that will help your relationship grow and flourish unless you are long distance.  We live a 40 minute drive apart and he rarely drove up to my town or spend the night at my place.  He would always  have an excuse about why he could not stay the night or drive up to my area to hang out.  I loved spending time with him and would drive to him just so that we could be together.  He drove to my area a few times (5 times in all the 10 months we were dating) but he never spent  the night.  I would see him, in person, for about 7 or less hours per week.  We were dating for 12 months and barely saw each other in person!

What I have learned from all of this…

We did not have enough quality time for our relationship survive.  I was tired of only visiting him for one day, if that, a week or for a few hours. I would always drive to his area all the time and it was not fair to me.  HE would make minimal effort with the commenting even after I talked to him about it.  It changed for like a week and then went back to the same old things.  I know people make sacrifices in relationships and make things work be he was not.  I mean we had no pictures together, he would never want to talk to me on the phone unless I called him (he hates the way his voice sounded which is a load of BS),  We did not spend the weekend

I think I covered everything and I feel like I wrote a book!  But, I had to get all of that off my chest and surprisingly it has helped me a lot!  I learned that I did not value myself and let my ex get away with behavior that I was not ok with.  Next time I will communicate more and if the guy chooses not to change or ignores what I say then I will dump him instead of putting forth more effort.  On the other hand I can  scale back my effort and contact to see if it the guy even notices or how he reacts. It know that sounds terrible but maybe it will show me how much the guy values my time, effort, and prioritizes me.  I should have done that with my ex

So guys and gals always make sure your relationship is up at the top of your priority list for it to stay strong and grow!  It is not right for one person to put more effort in to the relationship. For a relationship to fully work both parties need to dedicate time and effort to it, communicate with each other, see each other in person, not make excuses for their behavior, and make each other a priority when you get serious.

Conclusion

This is NOT men bashing because these issues happen with WOMEN and not just men.  Women can do the same things to their significant others as well.  These are just the problems that I experienced in this relationship.  It taught me a lot and realized that both people need to want to communicate with each other and work things our which did not happen when I brought up the issues that bothered me.

Hope all of the above helps some reader out there!  This is just my opinion and my experience form one of my relationships.  Every person experiences and interprets things differently.  SO basically take from this what you will.

TO help me truly get over the break up I think that I should heed the advice of the below phrase

 

I am important and deserved to be treated well and I should not expect anything less.  All of this falls back on self worth, self value, confidence, and self love.

Love is in the air… just not for me

CWb7GNm

So, you know how people always say there will be a time in your life when everyone around you is getting engaged, married, or is smitten with love?  Now must be that time in life for me and it is driving me up a wall.  Majority of my childhood and college friends as well as co-workers are either engaged, getting married this year, or in a long term relationship which sucks for me because per usual I am the single one.  It totally sucks and makes me feel like I am missing out on something or screwed up somewhere in my life to be single at this point in my life.  It doesn’t help that I see or hear about friend’s wedding plans, engagement photos, or anniversary pictures/stories a lot.  Uhh either this is a sign I need to find a man soon or it is on the opposite ned of the spectrum and I’m doomed to be single forever (well probably not but you never know).

I know that I shouldn’t judge or compare myself to others but being the odd one out always sucks.  So many people are going through life changes and here I am just trying to get a date and it totally blows!  Don’t get me wrong I love how happy my friends and co-workers are, how they are so excited to get married, plan a wedding, or celebrate an anniversary with their significant other but it is hard to be the friend who always listens and at this point has no hope of finding the right one (hence the attempt at online dating).  Everyone around me has rose colored glasses on and is in love but not me and it sucks.  I mean I am by no means ready for marriage or engagement but it is hard seeing all these wedding and couple things being done by acquaintances it is so hard not to feel like I am missing out on something.  I am elated for my friends but at the same time want to feel the same things they are feeling.  Being single is fun at times but I also want what they have ( I know what you’re thinking but it has nothing to do with jealousy).

So I guess this is a post where my rambling kicked into high gear and I sound like a whiny, bratty, self centered sixteen year old but I swear I am truly not.  I am so not ready to settle down but I wouldn’t mind being in a nice relationship.  Why does  it seem so  hard to find a nice guy?  I kind of just want to be included and just met a dude that’s meant for me. It will happen at some point I know it!  I just have to find the right man!  In the meantime I will celebrate my friends’ and co-workers special days and occasions!

 

Now it’s time to say goodbye to the age of 25

As I sit here contemplating this post the hours and minutes are ticking by as my twenty fifth year comes to a close.  Who would have thought that twenty-five years of my  life have squeaked by in the blink of an eye.  I for one didn’t think I would be sitting here or inching my way closer to thirty so soon.  It feels like yesterday that I graduated college, turned 21, and began my life in the real world without the comfort and safety of my small college campus.  Now things have changed and as I get farther into adulthood I am reflecting on my life so far and the rest of it yet to live.  This birthday really hit me hard and caused me to reevaluate what I have been doing with my life and was a much needed wake up for me to start living more, become proactive, and set goals for the years ahead.  Int he past twenty five years I have accomplished numerous things and goals I had but need to have some new goals and dreams for the next chapter of my life. well, I’ll see how it goes.

So, now it’s time to say goodbye to the year of twenty five, embrace the age of twenty six, and enjoy the last part of my twenties.  In not such a long time I’ll be thirty … yikes, not looking forward to that day!

~Amanda

Let’s Do This Thing

So, I guess it is time that I started making use of my little space on the web.  This “original” idea of blogging came to fruition from a few past failed attempts at it and my quarter life crisis.  Oh the joys of the quarter life crisis where one thinks they are a failure and compares their present state of life to others of the same age.  After, many nights fretting over this realized that it was not worth obsessing over (It is not so don’t do it)   Anywho, figured this would be a way to  de-stress, document my life, and just vent about random topics because let’s face it I am not getting any younger and need to get this blogging thing right at some point.

So here are to the years beyond 25… here’s to 25 and counting!

~Amanda