Ominous Online Dating

Dating has really gotten burdensome to me lately. Since my last relationship I have had no luck whatsoever and it sucks. I mean I have gone on dates but rarely has it passed beyond the first date. It has been so disheartening. It is like the universe is sending me signs that I am destined to be single the rest of my days.  That is not true but it feels like that right now.  I mean how many guys do I have to date to find my most compatible man?  At the rate I am going I will be alone for quite a long while.

My lackluster dating life must be the universe telling me that I need to work on myself or that I should take break from dating.   The guys I have been chatting with have not been impressive.  They seem to just be after sex or ghost you in the middle of the conversation.  I jumped into the online dating world full force after my last relationship ended and when all of my friends have been in successful relationships  It is so hard to be the only single one or constantly searching for love.  Maybe this is the time to truly narrow down what I am looking for in partner and to fix the shortcomings of myself.

 

 

All I want is the love like some of my friends have in their relationships.  I want someone to choose me everyday, prioritize me, and spend quality time with me.  I want to find someone who compliments me and just helps make my life better.  The most important test is when we hit bumps in the road during a relationship.  Like my parens say:  “When something is broke you fix and you do not throw it away”.  They have had fights ver the years and have always fixed things and made things work.  They never gave up on their relationship due something that was temporary.  That is the relationship that I want.  The image below has things that I want in a relationship!  The things below will help a relationship be strong and last.

 

 

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Pub Crawl Revelations

So, last weekend some friends and I went to a bar crawl around my neighborhood.  It was fun and I had an absolute blast!  However, I was not expecting things to get deep and revelational with my friends.  It could have been the alcohol talking but what they said and topics they touched upon hit a nerve with me.  The convo focused on a topic that I did not want to focus on but was probably meant to be focused of on that day: relationships.  It was one of those things that just seemed to happen at the right time under completely odd circumstances.  So let me not leave you hanging and dive into what the pub-crawl and alcohol my friend’s consumed reveal.  Like the saying goes the only honest people are children and drunks.

Relationships

Some friends at the pub crawl are in either new or long term relationships.  So, of course we talk about relationships and guys.  I mention how I am single, looking for a compatible man, exes, and what makes a good relationship.  I was saying how I wish that I was in a relationship because most of my friends are in long term relationships, engaged, or married.  For me it is frustrating to see others find a good companion and I am struggling to even get dates.  It is like I want to give up and just be single for the rest of my life.  I  know the former statement is totally ridiculous but at this rate I am batting zero.

One of my friends who is in a long term relationship and getting ready to move in with her boyfriend basically vented and said things that I didn’t want to hear and never thought about.  She was a bit drunk so it could be the alcohol talking but she basically said that I am lucky to be single.  My jaw nearly hit the floor.  She said that I was lucky because I was able to do what I wanted and go wherever I please without worrying about a significant other.  She said that couples and relationships can seem perfect from the outside but you do not know what things are like behind closed doors or what is not shown on social media. She gave up certain things for her relationship like going out with friends on weekends, certain freedoms, hanging out with just her friends or family.  She has to accommodate her boyfriend and deal with some people she didn’t like or she could not just go out by herself sometimes or felt guilty when she did.  Basically, she said that I should not rush or wish that I was in a serious relationship because you do not know the sacrifices people make and ultimately give up certain freedoms you have when you are single.  SO, guess I realized that maybe not all couples are truly happy and that some people stay in unsatisfying relationships due to societal or family pressures or to keep up with the Jonses.  Also, my friend maybe was being for than a bit honest because she was drunk and possibly not fully happy in her current relationship.

For now I am single and will continue to search for a man that is my perfect fit.  I mean there is a little part of me that wants to experience the love that my friends are experiencing.  That is what I want right now is love and companionship.

The Law of Attraction

No, this has nothing to do with attracting guys.  I had a feeling you would be thinking that based on the above section.  This had to do with a more philosophical approach to life and thoughts. is the belief that by focusing on positive or negative thoughts a person brings positive or negative experiences into their life. The simple version of this is that we attract whatever we think about good or bad.

My friends basically told me instead of comparing myself to my non-single friends and wishing I had what they had I should be happy for them, I should change my way of thinking about seeking a relationship and how I feel about others relationships.  If I bring out positive vibes about those topics then positive vibes will come back to me.  This positive thinking applies to every thing in life.  Basically this was a wake up call to me and that I need to start viewing things in a more positive light and get a little happier.  I should not envy what people have or what type of relationships they are in.  Instead I should be supportive and happy for them and wish them the best and that their relationship flourishes.  This was an awesome conversation I had with some of my friends and one that was surely uncommon to be discussed int he middle of a bar with drunkards all around.  I have realized that septimes good and needed things happen in the most unusual places.  This was one of those times and it was a conversation that has impacted me for the better.  But that is some serious stuff going on at the bar.

 

The above topics and conversations helped make the bar crawl very memorable.  If this is what the first one looks like then I can’t imagine hat the next pub-crawl will look like.  I am so excited to see what happens anss what things we talk about next.

 

 

 

Break up Blues and the Single Life

So, as you readers know my boyfriend and I broke up a few months ago.  I’m not going to lie it was not an easy break up and took me awhile to work through the emotions from it.  In fact I am still processing things.  The hardest thing is missing the way he made me feel, his hugs, kisses, cuddling, and the fact that he was alway there to listen and talk things out with me.  It sucks when a person who was such a big part of your life leaves you and does not fight for your relationship.

Since, it has been months since the breakup I have thrown myself back into the dating pool.  It has been so dissapointing and made me miss my ex more than ever.  I am going into everything with an open mind but none of the men I have gone on dates with have lived up to my standards and expectations.  I do my best not to compare my dates to my ex but I wan to find someone who makes me feel like I did when I was with my ex. So far all I have found are guys who have no clue how to plan a date, the socially inept guys, narcissists, and players who just want sex.  My prospects are not looking too good.  I even asked friends if they knew any singles guys or if their significant others did but no luck there.

At times like these I just want my ex and would do anything to change the outcome of our relationship.  I had a connection with him that I did not have with any other guy I ever dated.  He treated me so well but he did not prioritize our relationship. I was like fourth on his list.  it went family, work, friends, sports, me.   I looked passed that for a long time because I loved him.  To me that was  a small problem in our relationship.  I am the one who always gives more without comparing or tit for tat.  But I guess it was causing more issues than I thought I let it all boil up which did not benefit our relationship.

Recently, I have been down and had the breakup blues.  I think of all the memories that we shared and could have shared, how he treated me, and how I felt around him which was always safe and comfortable.  We could just talk about anything together.  If I did not have a certain conversation one day then it would not have spurred him to break up with me.  I know that the last sentence is silly because even if that conversation didn’t take place it does not mean that our relationship would have continued for years and years.  But in my heart I truly feel that if I had decided to have that particular conversation after the holidays things would have worked out better.  Not saying how long we would have lasted because I can not predict the future.

Now, all I need to help me move on and get out of this funk is to find a man who causes me to have the same feelings that my ex did.  I want to experience the same feelings that I felt with my ex.  It’s like we were connected and could just tell how each other felt and what they were thinking without saying a word.  But of course everything wasn’t peachy keen otherwise we would not have broken up. I just want the new guy to make me feel safe, comfortable, listened to, and communicative with me about feelings, issues, and positive things.

I know it is crazy to think this way but since I have started dating again it just hasn’t been the same.  I just wonder where my ex and I would be at this point and how our relationship would have developed.  I know I need to just get over things but it is way more difficult than I thought.      But being back in the dating world has both helped and hindered me. It makes me see what a great man my ex was compared to the guys I have chatted with.  Seriously, there are some douche bags out there in world.

Realistically, I know things between us are done but i do cling to that tiny bit of hope where he will want to talk to me again and we will be friends. But, I know that it will not happen or he would have done it already. I also know that neither my breakup or relationship was as bad as others. Our differences lied in the following our views of relationship priority, his lack of communication skills about various topics and emotions.  But what’s done is done and there is no use crying over spilled milk.

What have you guys and gals done in situations like this?  What has helped you get over an ex? How long did it take you to get over an ex?  Have any of you reunited with an ex after certain period of time?

Last minute Nellys or no date

Last Minute Nellys

So, I have noticed a trend with the men in my area: they either ask you out for a date at the last minute as in the day of the date or they do not have the initiative to actually ask you out.  There have been a few scenarios where the man will ask me Friday late afternoon for date that evening.  I am a planner and would have made plans by that point.  it makes me feel like a fall back option because nothing else worked out.  I totally understand spontaneity which to me goes something like this hey, my friend Joe just gave me tickets for tonight’s hockey game.  Would you be interested in going?  That is totally different than getting asked out a few hours before for date. That irks me because it shows that some guys have no respect for your time.  Spontaneous things I will say yes to but lack of planning for a first date I have no time for.

Non-Aggressive Men 

Now onto the non-aggressive men.  They piss me off too!  I’ll have conversations with guys and they fail to actually ask me on a date.  They hint at it or mention it but never have the balls to ask.  I’ve been there where I have asked the man on the date because he was to timid to do and it was big mistake.   After initiating the first date I had to do it with the second date was well.  Let’s just say that was a short lived relationship..I find that most men I encounter especially online from my area are like this and just with hint at or insinuate things but not get the kahunas to do it.  I mean how bad is it to ask a girl out to coffee or drinks?  the worst that can happen is she says no or you waste and hour or two of your time.  But majority of guys will have a good conversation going with you and then not ask you out.  So, its either don’t waste my time if you do not plan on asking  me out or just be a man and ask because you have nothing to lose.   I know it may cause and anxiety and can be scary but I have asked guys out and got over myself.  once you do it its not so bad.  Hey if you don’t ask her out for a first date then you could be missing out on and you could start dating a good person or make a new friend.

Men if you are reading this put more effort into to planning an actual date.  I’m not saying fancy restaurant but at least the basics such as date, time, and place and if you have been talking to a woman you really like ask her out instead of just using innuendos.  Last minute Nellys and you non-aggressive men take not and

I happened to find an article that summed up my feelings and beliefs about the these too timid men:

http://ruthiedean.com/2012/05/07/real-men-dont-text-mr-late-night-mr-last-minute/

 

Has anyone else experienced this down South?  How have you dealt with any of the types of men above? I know that I have not talked to them after awhile or gave them the boot.

 

The Margarita Confessionals

So, I was looking stuff up on the internet and stumbled upon this website Sound Cloud  featuring podcasts of The Margarita Confessionals.  The name was catchy and the topics were right up my alley so there was nothing else to do besides  hit play.  Of course their focus is on dating, current dating trends, online dating apps, and dating struggles.  Majority of the topics covered are relatable to me in my life at this time and my dating situation.  I enjoyed what I heard and thought both Ali & Lauren were entertaining.  Since it was a site called Sound Cloud, as its I was not that familiar with, I googled Margarita confessionals to see if their was website.  There was and of course I clicked around.  It is a nicely designed website and I liked reading how both women created the idea for The Margarita Confessionals.  It is very creative name and it is crazy to see how a simple idea they had came to fruition for both women.  If you are in a dating rut, have dating on your mind, or are looking for something interesting to listen to definitely check out their website and take a listen to what they have.

The Margarita Confessionals: http://www.themargaritaconfessionals.com

The Margarita Confessionals Soundcloud: https://soundcloud.com/themargaritaconfessionals

Go check out the above links today!

 

Dating Apps Decoded

So, since I decided to jump back into the online dating world I figured I would put myself out there and try a variety of dating apps and websites. I figured I would write about my experience and see what some of my readers experiences were when using online dating apps.  Also, heads up that this will be one of my longer posts on the blog.

Bumble

Word in the street is that this app is the Tinder for women.  The females have all of the power on this app.  Women can swipe left or right, need to initiate the conversation with their matches within twenty four hours or they will lose the match.  Once a conversation is started the match has twenty four hours to respond or the match will be closed.  I like how women need to get the conversation flowing on Bumble.  It is the role reversal of Tinder.  Women need to think of good conversation starters and opening lines to entice men to repsond.  That is what men would do on Tinder and other sites.  Maybe women will realize that being the first to start a conversation with something besides hey can be difficult and daunting.  Now the women need to wait for responses and the men get to filter through the messages and decided if they would respond or not.  On Bumble the shoe is now on the other foot for both men and women while using this app.

 I have been on here for about two weeks and have not any success yet.  I have managed to match with men and begin convo with them and then they just ghost on me.  Also, I have encountered people who are just in the area for business or vacation etc..  Their  location says they are in my area and then when we start conversing they are upfront and say they are in the area for a short time or just looking for a hook up  while they are here.  That is totally fine but that is not what I am looking for on this app.  So far I have not had any dates due to most people I conversed with not being from the area or the man would stop responding.   Another thing I have noticed is that there are not many guys in my area or within the radius that I would prefer.  I have to keep increasing my radius to find matches which sucks because I really do not want to travel that far.  I could just be really picky but a: there are not many choices for my preferred radius which is pretty generous (25-30 miles) and b: I am not finding a ton of men that I am attracted to on this app.  So, as of yet no success on this app but I will keep plugging away and see if anything happens.  How have your experiences been using Bumble?  Have any of you found success or met anyone in person or off of the site?  If yes, How did it go?

Tinder

The infamous hook up app.  I was very leary before trying out this app due to its reputation but I figured,what the hell can happen?  The worst case scenarios are that I have some crazy stories to tell, I delete the app, or fins another app to use.  Since this is Tinder I understand that I will get hook up requests and boring messages that I do on other sites but thats cool because that happens on any dating site.  One reason I am trying this app besides curiosity is that one of my best friends found success on Tinder despite its rep.  She has been dating her boyfriend for about eight months and things have been great between them.   Finally after her nagging me for a bit to just try it out I caved and gave Tinder a shot.  To my surprise I have hit it off with a few guys on Tinder.  Some of the conversations have been so good that we have moved to texting and I have a date set up with one of the guys.  I am excited to see what happens but am hesitant because it is online dating and you never know what is going happen. As of now I will see how the date goes and am hopeful that it will go well and lead to a second date.  As of now I am going with no expectations and expecting some awkwardness and weirdness but overall I am interested to see where this goes.  I’ll do a post about how the date goes and if the guy is a creep or just your average joe looking for love.

 I have surprised myself and have found some decent guys on Tinder who are not out for a hookup or friends with benefits.  So, ladies there is hope out there in the Tinder universe for dating  but it does take screening and time to find the good guys.   Readers, let me know your Tinder experiences and what you think of the app?

CoffeemeetsBagel

This app was all the rage in NYC starting about three years ago.  I have heard of this app for  a while but was not looking to date at the time so I never downloaded it or looked into how the app works.  Since I am back into the dating world again I looked into what all the hype was about CoffeemeetsBagel.  I liked that point off the app is to get the man and woman to exchange numbers and get off of the app and meet in person.  The way the app works is that you set up a profile and then everyday at noon you receive bagels (matches) that you can like or pass.  If you do not receive a bagel (match) then you get a free pick and choose from a bunch of matches.  When I first had this app I found that I was getting a good amount of matches to pick from each day but the longer I had the app the less matches I would receive.  I have had some good conversations with guys on here and have went on a date with  a man who I met on this site.  The date went well and we did go on a few dates but it didn’t work out long term.  I do not know anyone that has used this app before so I just kind of tried it on a whim to see how the app worked.  How have your experiences been with the app?  Have you met anyone in person from the app?  How did it go?  Thoughts in general about the app?  Let me know in the comments below.

OKCupid

This is not a bad site.  It does require a lot of filtering of men and messages.   I have gotten men uncreative, rude, or creepy.  It does require you to actually read the profile, look at pictures etc. and not just messaging back and forth without checking the profile out.  I have mixed feelings about this site.  From my experience let’s just say that there are weirdos and creeps out there.  There are a lot of them and it total changed my attitudes this site and dating people from this site.  I mean I am just picky and really filter who I message and talk to on here.  So, far my experiences here have been decent but I have not been using this app as much as I have in the past.  Now I am using some of the newer apps that I have found.

 I have gone on dates with guys from the site.  They weren’t bad but I am picky with who I meet and talk to on the site.  That is just me I am picky and don’t want to waste my time. This is a good site to try if you do not want to pay for a membership and know what you are looking for then you can hopefully find success on this site.

What are your opinions of using OkCupid?  If there are success stories or horror stories I want to hear about it so leave a comment in the comment section below.  Let me know!

Eharmony

I saved the best for last!  This is one of the most successful dating site I have heard of.  I know of two people that have met their significant others or current spouse using this site.  I have tried this site and have a love hate relationship with it.  I have had a long term relationship from this site almost a year long.  They guy I dated was great and that we were a good pair but there were some differences that could not be worked out which led to our break up.  Despite us not working out the quality of matches were a bit better than other sites I have tried and were in the radius that I specified on my settings preferences.  I did pay for a subscription for this app and it is pricy.  I only did the one month subscription because I did not want to get locked into three months of payment and dislike the site.  I know if I paid for three months than I would not get my money back whereas if I only paid for a month then I would be totally done after the month was up.

Since the above is a bit wish mossed here is what I like about the site.  The matches were better than other sites I have tried and more educated.  Also, the matches were sent to me and I did not have to filter through matches as much as I did on other dating sites.  This part is nice and many of the men I chatted with have had common topics to discuss.  The one thing that I did not like is that you could not tell who is a paying member and who is not.  That frustrated me because many of your matches might be using the site anymore.  This is a waste of everyones time and eHarmony should get rid of the profiles of non paying members or those who are no longer subscribed.  Also, I would get a bunch of matches who are outside of my radius and way too far to meet in person.  I am not looking for a long distance relationship and it frustrated me that I would get a decent number of matches who are out of state.  I did not specify that I was looking for someone out of state and eHarmony should follow the radius I set as best it can.  I would rather get less matches who meet my criteria than many matches who are out of state and way to far to commute to. But overall I did have a pleasant experience sign this site and would consider joining again in the future but at this time it is way to expensive for me to re-subscribe.  In the future I would consider re starting my subscription.  I would recommend that people try this site at least once due to its high success rate and less filtering and crazy messages received on this site.  Most people are looking for long term relationships on this site so odds are better at finding a match than OkCupid or Tinder.

How have your experiences been using eHarmony?  Have anyone have any success stories from eHarmony?  if you did I would like to hear about it.  Leave a comment below with you experiences.

Now you have it and that is my opinions and experiences on various dating apps and sites.  Feel free to comment to what site and apps you like or have used.

So Love Sucks …

So, My last relationship crashed and burned after 10 months.  It started out good and we were both infatuated with each other.  As our relationship progressed there were differences that he did not want to work through.  Differences were not major but to him they were. It was things like,   It was devastating because I had invested so much into the relationship and thought we would be together for a long time.  However, I felt undervalued during our relationship and not seen as a priority.  For him it was family, work, friends, hockey/soccer, then Amanda (me).  I was basically worked into his schedule at his convience.  That is not how a relationship is supposed to work.  I understand work and family being at the top of a priority list before a relationship but putting friends, co-workers, and sports above me is just wrong.

There were signs throughout the course of the relationship that demonstrated that his lack of prioritizing me.  Two major occurrences were asking me to spend time with him for five hours on one weekend because he had to go to the hockey game with his friends.  Stupid me would drive out to see him for five hours because that was the only time I would get to see him all week.  Another thing that caused issues in our relationship was his refusal to give up or invite me to hang out with his co-workers or friends on Friday nights.  I asked him if he could give up one or two Fridays  with his buddies so that we could spend more time together and he balked at the idea.  Both of those things  should have been red flags about how committed he was to me and our relationship. Since he didn’t give up Friday nights we  hardly spent time together.  We would see each other once a week or for a few hours over a weekend.  That is the only time I would see him for the whole week and it sucked.  Looking back it was more like a friendship than a relationship.The quote below sums up the above and it’s so sad that things were not ended sooner.  But hey you live and you learn and I will not make that mistake again.

Signs that my relationship was doomed:

  • I was not a priority in the relationship
  • He never called on the phone or wanted to talk on the phone
  • Never wanted to come visit me in my town or at my place (we lived about 40 min drive from each other)
  • Never gave up a Friday night with co-workers or invited me to hangout out with them during the 10 months
  • Thought it was acceptable to see me for 5 hours and then I had to wait seven days to see him again
  • We never spent a whole weekend  together (Fri-Sun or Sat.& Sun) while we were dating.  There was always an excuse of how he had to visit friends or family the next day so I would have leave in the morning or not stay the night
  • Whenever I communicated something that bothered me he always got defensive
  • Never expressed his feelings: like if things were bothering him
  • Never expressed emotion or said how he was feeling about the relationship
  • Never wanted to discuss emotions or feelings in the relationship

I am not bashing him at all because the success of our relationship did not have anything to do with how he treated me.  He was a gentleman, was very nice, and respectful toward me.  However, niceness does not mean that a romantic relationship is going to work or is meant to be.  Despite his gentlemanly status, he was not ready to be in a romantic relationship (at least one with me) based on the lack of prioritization, lack of emotional communication, and hardly ant effort put into making our relationship successful.  Just because a man treats you right does not justify a lack of effort in a relationship nor does it mean that you should remain int he relationship because the person is nice and kind.

All of his good qualities are what made me love him, fight for our relationship, and not speak up as much as I should have. At the end of the day we had a friendship going on and not a true romantic relationship. The way things ended between us hurt me to my core and made me sad a long while. I kept going over events and decisions in our relationship to figure out what I could have changed or done better.  No matter how many times I re evaluated events and occurrences it does change the fact that we are broken up.  There are no guarantees or crystal balls in life and even if we did not break up when we did and stayed together there is no way to know if we would have lasted.  No matter how many times I replay things in my mind it does not mean things would have ended up with us being together forever  We could have just broken up at a different point in time.

 

Now, after doing my best to get over this man, I have jumped back in to the online dating realm which seems to have gotten worse than I remember it.  I’ll try my luck at meeting another man who I will be compatible with.

Below are quotes the sum up what I want in a relationship.  Hopefully I can find a man that can live up to both quotes one day.  I thought I found a man who could live up to these but apparently not since our relationship has ended.

Be on the look out for a post about my current dating adventures, mishaps, and crazy stories!  This is bound to be an interesting journey and one where I branch out and try new dating sites!  I’ll see how it goes and will keep an open mind to the process.