Ominous Online Dating

Dating has really gotten burdensome to me lately. Since my last relationship I have had no luck whatsoever and it sucks. I mean I have gone on dates but rarely has it passed beyond the first date. It has been so disheartening. It is like the universe is sending me signs that I am destined to be single the rest of my days.  That is not true but it feels like that right now.  I mean how many guys do I have to date to find my most compatible man?  At the rate I am going I will be alone for quite a long while.

My lackluster dating life must be the universe telling me that I need to work on myself or that I should take break from dating.   The guys I have been chatting with have not been impressive.  They seem to just be after sex or ghost you in the middle of the conversation.  I jumped into the online dating world full force after my last relationship ended and when all of my friends have been in successful relationships  It is so hard to be the only single one or constantly searching for love.  Maybe this is the time to truly narrow down what I am looking for in partner and to fix the shortcomings of myself.

 

 

All I want is the love like some of my friends have in their relationships.  I want someone to choose me everyday, prioritize me, and spend quality time with me.  I want to find someone who compliments me and just helps make my life better.  The most important test is when we hit bumps in the road during a relationship.  Like my parens say:  “When something is broke you fix and you do not throw it away”.  They have had fights ver the years and have always fixed things and made things work.  They never gave up on their relationship due something that was temporary.  That is the relationship that I want.  The image below has things that I want in a relationship!  The things below will help a relationship be strong and last.

 

 

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Looking for Love in the Wrong Places

So, I think I am getting fed up with online dating.  It is getting more and more annoying. I am having difficulty finding anyone that I am interested in, am tired of men checking out in the middle of the conversation (aka ghosting), frustrated that my messages do not get responses, and am done with guys who are only looking for hook ups.  Online dating is a lot more work than being single.  It feels like it is a second job and you know what, it sucks big time!

I am looking to meet a man with whom I can connect with, we can learn about each other, and then we can begin a relationship.  The amount of of creepers and sleaze balls out there has really dampened my spirits about the world of online dating.  I guess that I have been looking for love in all the wrong places.

To make matters worse there are numerus people in my life who have recently met and connected with someone and are now in relationships or are getting engaged. They make the business of getting t know each other and entering a relationship look easy but here I am struggling and it is disheartening. It’s difficult to see people close to you start relationships, get engaged, or get married and here you are just trying to meet a man that is compatible with you.  I am excited for all of my friends having success in their relationships but I am wondering what is going so wrong for me.  I am putting myself out there, initiating conversations with men, and even suggesting getting coffee or an in person meeting.  I have even went on dates when men asked me out but usually after the first or second date it fizzles out.   All these other people make it look like a cake walk to meet men that are compatible with them.  Here I am putting myself out there to no avail and have not had anything progress.  I mean sometimes it is the man but other times I’m sure it is me.  I am at the point in life where I am comfortable with who I am.  I should not have to change or act a certain way to get someone to like me.  I am well past that point.  I just want to know what I am doing wrong that is keeping me in the single and undesirable zone.

All I want is to find a man and develop a connection with them that my friends have with their significant others.  Everyone else that I know has made it look easy and here I am struggling to keep my head above water looking for a man.  The only genuine connection that I have found so far was with my ex.  I would like a similar compatibility with someone else.  I know it will be different so no comparisons here.  I just want someone that I connect with on a the same level that I did with my ex.  I guess that I am looking for love in all the wrong places. I should heed the age old advice of you find what you are looking for when you stop looking for it. But I do find that as bad advice because it is like a sit an wait mentality and nothing is going to come knocking on your door.  You have to go seek it out and that is what I have been doing in this area of my life but it just hasn’t seemed to work out.

Maybe the below quote with  work out much better than the typical just sit and wait for love opinion


 

 

Tres dates from Tinder …

So, I promised all of you readers out there that I would follow up with you after I went on my first Tinder date. My luck was greater than one because I had three Tinder dates with two different men,  I went on one date with one and two dates with the other.  I approached the dates with with no expectations or pre-conceived notions.   I was quite surprised and I think you will be too.

Date Uno

The first guy out of the two we will call B. I was hopeful about meeting B because we had good conversation over the app and through text. We set a date to meet but details were not finalized until the day of the date. This is a big turn off for me If you ask me out then plan the damn date.  I know I am at fault here too because I could have turned the date down.  I get that he is a busy guy because he is in grad school, works, and has a far commute for his job and school.  I totally understand that but it’s not an excuse for lack of planning and I did not get a good first impression of this guy.  He wanted to do things around his schedule which rubbed me the wrong way and it showed he had no consideration for me.  I had to tell him I could not do the time he originally suggested because I already had plans that night.  Since everything was do so last minute I as in no way canceling my plans.  If he planned earlier that would not have been an issue but i threw out times and he rejected them which annoyed me. I had these plans, a close friends birthday, before he asked me out.  When everything was finally set, I was more at ease.

Basically it was a low key date. We met at a coffee shop, tried to go to hike a local park but couldn’t find parking spots so we wound up going to a pub for a drink.  The date was going well because we were there for two hours and didn’t get kicked out or ask us to leave.  I was late to the party because we just had a good conversation flow going on and when we parted there was a mention of a second date the following weekend.

Update: Even though we clicked with conversation on the first date and chatted thereafter we ha don second date. According to him I will not “clique” with him and he would be too much for me (whatever that means).  It was fine and I’m cool with it.  That is what happens when you date.

 

Date Uno

The second first date I went on I enjoyed even better then the first one!  We will call this guy T. T planned ahead and picked a great brunch spot for our date.  He looked like his pictures but was defiantly heavier than his photos. Which means his photos were not recent.  But everything else checked out so I could get over the weight issue.  In reality post current pictures guys, it makes a difference.  We hit it off instantly and our conversation was non-stop.  T and I have visited some of the same places so we chatted about that. The waitress did not rush us out considered it was peak brunch time and packed.  We parted ways and that same night he texted me to let me know he had a great time.  Guess it is a good sign.  We chatted throughout the week and nothing was mentioned about a second date. So, I figured I would initiate a second date.  I threw out two options and he didn’t really seem to dig either of them nor did he suggest an alternative that he would like.  I just picked one and we went to a German beer hall/restaurant for our second date.

Date Dos

This date was initiated and planned by me.  It occurred a week after our second date and again we just chatted away and were not rushed out. T said he enjoyed this date was well and will defiantly like to go out again the upcoming weekend.  We have been talking since the second date and that is a another good sign.   I will have to wait and see what happens for a third date.  The ball is in his court now since I initiated and planned the second date.

 

The two first dates I had showed me that there are decent guys on Tinder.  I found them with a lot of filtering through matches.  I am pretty picky in general but even more so on Tinder due to its reputation.  I was glad that I went  on both dates.  Even if no second date came it was still a good experienced.

Even though the dates turned out good it is so much work to get a response or find decent men.  Sometimes all of the work that I need to go through makes me want to stay single.

 

 

 

 

 

An insight to an ending

So, over the past few weeks I have been thinking about my ex a lot. This was by far my worst breakup and I think the fact that I did not get closure and how much of a shock the break up was deeply affected me. I try not to replay events that occurred during our relationship and wonder what could have been between us.

One point that stuck out recently was a discussion my ex and I had about the ending of the book Brooklyn by: Colm Tobin. We both read the book and discussed it. The ending of the novel was a rather tricky discussion for us because we both had different viewpoints about how the novel closed. I agreed with the ending and stated my reasons why and my ex did not agree with the ending and stated his reasons why. It was a fun discussion and neither of us bashed each because of our views. When everything was said and done we never brought up the book again but i have always remembered the discussion.

Recently, a close family member read the book and we discussed it and of course talked about the ending.  For those of you that don’t know the ending of the book: Eilis, main character, chooses to travel back to Brooklyn to be with Tony, a young man she married, instead of stay in her hometown of  Einscorthy, Ireland with a man she met named Jim.  We discussed the ending and it took me back to when my ex and I were talking about it.  It was eye opening rememberance  now because of how that long ago conversation about the book that I had with my ex was  foreshadowing of our relationship history.  I was the more spontaneous, adventurous and emotional one.  He was the one who played it safe, wouldn’t take risks, was logical, and unemotional.  I guess I did not think of it then but that’s how our relationship was.  He would not get out of his comfort zone or his hometown town to explore other areas or be spontaneous with me.  He would want to stay close to his home or do things that were convienet or comfortable to him.  He was a lot like Jim in the story.  I was more like Eilis because I wanted to experience different things and have new adventures instead of do the same things or stay in the same place.

In regards to our discussion about the ending of the book I agreed with the ending of the story believing that Elish saw that there was no future or growth for her in Ireland.  She would be in the same town she grew up in with the same people of her past who will not not let her forget her past and would always remind her of it. Also, there are not many opportunities for her to travel or have a career in her hometown or while she was with  Jim. Yes, Eilis would have had a comfortable life with Jim, who was  was very content running the pub for the rest of his life, but I could sense Eilis wanted more than the simple life.

My ex disagreed and said that Elish would have been better off staying with Jim because he has a stable job and would be able to provide for Eilis.  He did no think it was right how Eilis left Jim without truly saying goodbye.  He thought that Jim would be the better choice for Eilis than Tony would have because he felt that she could have better and more stable life in Ireland than she could in America.  His opinion was fine but I should have really listened and saw the similarities between things but I didn’t.

Our discussion foreshadowed the ending of our relationship.  I wanted more effort put into our relationship, I was the more adventurous one, and I could not sit in the same place on a couch all day and watch the world pass me by.  Basically things ended in part  because he played it too safe like Jim and would not initiate plans or explore new places like Tony.  So, that is partly how it ended and what influenced it’s end.  Oh, boy, I love this book but after that convo with my family member it made me think so much about my last relationship.   I think I need to take the advice of the quote below and just move forward and start a new.

Mundane Messages …

If I get another poorly written, generic, or just plain dumb message from a guy I will scream or possibly throw my laptop out the window (ok not really these things are expensive).  Throughout the course of my online dating experience many men have sent horrible, creepy, or ungrammatical messages.  Receiving those messages annoy me and just show that some guys put in no effort when online dating.  Those guys are just looking to get laid or for a short term fling. I really hate, hate, hate reading those types of messages and send them straight to the trash.

Note to the guys out there: when writing and sending messages to girls avoid messages like the ones below.  These type of messages will not land you a nice girl and really annoy women, especially ones like me, but I guess if you’re sending messages like the ones below I guess you are interested in a certain type of woman.  Also, not all women appreciate or like getting these types of messages.  Nothing in my profile hints that I want a hook up, causal sex, or a one night stand etc.  But I guess that is what these guys are after and will just spam most women with these ridiculous messages.

Messages:

Hi! Sooo I’m a driven athletic doc visiting the area. Just recently out of a relationship so for once I’m not denying myself some fun. I’d love to meet a sexy fun woman to spend some quality time with. I’m 6’3″ athletic and disclaimer – extremely well hung (huge donkey dick) lol. I’d love to make a woman feel good and hopefully satisfy some desires whether it be for just sensual fun or if she just needs a good slow deep stroke to orgasm experience because well she deserves it! Lol. Life is stressful enough right? we are both adults and life is short. I’d be happy to email a few pics if this sparks your interest 🙂

 Just no, guys these type of messages do not make you look appealing or dateable and is the dude above for real? No, just no I don’t care how well you’re hung. Nice try dude but you’re barking up the wrong tree.

Hey beautiful!

Ok this is a generic message and these are the worst.   They range from hi to hello gorgeous to hey babe.  I hate when guys insert beautiful, pretty, gorgeous etc. into a message thinking it will up their chances of a response.  I have never met you so please don’t call me beautiful.  You clearly send these short intros to multiple women in hopes of a reply.  For future reference read my profile and comment on something we have in common or do a witty first messages to up your chances at a response.

Full figured women are very beautiful to me.

Again with the the whole beautiful thing.  You don’t even know me and it is blatantly obvious that you didn’t even read my profile.  It’s like why did I write a profile if no guys are going to read it or even skim it.

How much does a polar bear wiegh:)

Really dude!  How is this supposed to intrigue me to answer your message.  Also, have you heard of spell check?

What type of panties are you wearing and how do they feel?

One man and I were messaging for awhile and it was going well until he decided to ask me the above question. Really dude? In the middle of our conversation you decide to ask this and it creeped me out.  SO women beware of the nice dudes who turn creepy.

Moved to _______recently. if we start dating we will probably break up because I work too much unless you work too much too then were probably perfect for each other. intelligence and a passion for learning and exploring are all I want. an equal partner to keep me in line and help me always be growing. Or even just somebody who read a book that blew their mind and can’t wait to tell me about it. Since I don’t have time to raise a puppy if you have a pet I may play with it more than you, sorry.

Really dude! This was his profile.  If you’re too busy with work to date than why even bother doing online dating? Also you need to capitalize the first letter of your sentences.  Why would you message me or any woman for that matter when you make it clear that you are too busy to really do anything or than work.  Im sorry but I don’t want to waste my time talking to you if you can’t even hang out.

At least the messages have been entertaining throughout this process and eventually I’ll find a guy I’m compatible with and who is worth my time.

Dating Dilemma … Anxiety

 

quote-Anais-Nin-anxiety-is-loves-greatest-killer-it-makes-88899 maxresdefault

So, I came to the realization that my anxiety is getting in the way of my dating life.  I have pretty bad social and general anxiety which can impact me when meeting someone new.  Usually it takes me a bit to open up to people. Sometimes my anxiety causes me to worry too much over little or irrational things.  You can probably guess the difficulties this can lead to when dating especially online dating.

My irrational fears seem to get the best of me.  So far this happened twice in my online dating experience and caused me to lose the chance with two great guys. The first guy I was afraid to let things go further and open up to him.  It was solely my fault as to why things ended with this guy.  I should have given it another shot and not just get skittish and go the other way when I’m afraid or uncomfortable.  This is where my anxiety came into play and it causes me to constantly worry and takes forever to open up to someone new. I let my anxiety ruin things all the time and this is just another thing to add to that list.  It definitely sucked when it ended with this first guy and there was no way to salvage this without it being awkward for me and possibly him.

Basically when things start progressing or it’s time to start opening up I  either become closed off like a clam, skittish like a puppy, want to leave, avoid the situation entirely, or end things before move forward.  This anxiety thing sucks because it makes dating so difficult especially online dating where you have never met the person before so it’s more of a risk than usual.

Recently my anxiety got in the way of my dating and ruined what could have been a good thing between nice guy 2 and me . The gist of the story is that we went on a first date, texted a few times during the next week, and he asked for a second date.  Already had plans for that weekend and we couldn’t meet up.  Now, my anxiety kicks in.  See the rational part of my brain was like it’s fine just say you can get together the following weekend.  This would have been the best option but of course my anxious ways get the better of me.  My brain goes into overanalyzing and obsessing mode and my thoughts are all like you’re his backup plan bc he had no plans that weekend, our contact will fade during the week, what if another weekend isn’t good, he’s a last minute planner etc.  I’m sure you get the picture of my million irrational thoughts and fears.

So I didn’t hear from the guy over the weekend.  Even though I was hesitant and nervous I texted him Monday to see how his weekend went.  But I’m afraid to suggest anything and basically didn’t know what to do after that.  Basically my anxiety is keeping me from acting and it sucks. Partly I’m afraid to open up to the guy and then the whole asking at the last minute thing freaks me out because I’m a planner. So this is how I was unsuccessful with nice guy 2.  Uggh, having anxiety sucks and destroys everything especially things with guys.

What I’ve been learning is that my anxiety is ruining so many things even some of my good dates which sucks.  I need to cast it aside and take a leap of faith once in awhile but it’s so difficult to do.  I really don’t want another guy to slip through my fingers.  This is going to be my doom when dating.

Any one else out there have a problem like this or deal with anxiety?  Thoughts, tips, experiences related to it affecting dating? All I am doing is a downward spiral and

 

 

 

 

Dating Dilemma … My fault?

curious-last-minte-date-sound-desperate-flirting-ecards-someecards  pinterest-ecards

The below post kind of makes me feel both of these things from the date I had with a guy recently.

So, I ruined my chance with a great guy.  It sucks and is mainly my fault or so I think.  I’m kicking myself for not trying harder to plan another meet up with him. It is so hard to find a decent guy now a days, at least for me, that  I was excited about this guy. I guess he’ll be called nice guy because well he was nice during  our first meet up. But part of me thinks it’s both our faults that nothing else happened and not one hundred percent mine. Read on and give advice/feedback please.  Now onto the real issue: after our initial meet up he texted me that night and it continued throughout the week.  I was hopeful that there would be a second date or meet up but as the week progressed the hope faded.

On Friday night he texted saying he had no plans that weekend and would I want to hang out?  I was out of town that weekend and let him know that I would love to meet up but already had plans. He also asked really last minute.  I was probably his back up plan bc his other plans fell through or he’s just really awkward at asking girls out.  After that I heard nothing, nada, zero from him the whole weekend into Monday.  Now my anxiety kicked in and I was like I should have suggested an alternate weekend for us to plan something etc. but I didn’t.  Now all I was doing was obsessing about this and about how I blew it.  Monday I texted him to see how his weekend was and again we texted during the week and then he went silent for almost three days.  I get that everybody has lives and I don’t expect incessant texting.  All of a sudden he texted me yesterday, Saturday, but nothing about meeting up. Basically we texted Saturday and I haven’t heard from him since yesterday.  I asked about his weekend and he said he had no plans but had plans the following weekend.  Maybe that was a hint for me to ask for or plan a date/ hang out?  If it was I didn’t get it, wait let me re-phrase that: it took me awhile to get it.  At that point it was late to figure something out because it would have been extremely last minute.  Why, couldn’t he just ask me out or hint better or ask earlier?  Guys can be confusing sometimes.  Also, I am a bit old fashioned when it comes to dating and think the guy should take the lead on the first and second dates.  Maybe the guy just wanted me to plan the date idk but for some reason I think it’s my fault that it didn’t work out with this guy.  Help?

So, was this situation totally my fault? Should I have suggested an alternate weekend or planned something for today (Sunday)?  Did I blow it? Be honest and/or blunt it’s best to just say it like it is.  I feel like this whole situation is a gray area and can sway either way.  Any assistance is appreciated! Thanks!!