Pub Crawl Revelations

So, last weekend some friends and I went to a bar crawl around my neighborhood.  It was fun and I had an absolute blast!  However, I was not expecting things to get deep and revelational with my friends.  It could have been the alcohol talking but what they said and topics they touched upon hit a nerve with me.  The convo focused on a topic that I did not want to focus on but was probably meant to be focused of on that day: relationships.  It was one of those things that just seemed to happen at the right time under completely odd circumstances.  So let me not leave you hanging and dive into what the pub-crawl and alcohol my friend’s consumed reveal.  Like the saying goes the only honest people are children and drunks.

Relationships

Some friends at the pub crawl are in either new or long term relationships.  So, of course we talk about relationships and guys.  I mention how I am single, looking for a compatible man, exes, and what makes a good relationship.  I was saying how I wish that I was in a relationship because most of my friends are in long term relationships, engaged, or married.  For me it is frustrating to see others find a good companion and I am struggling to even get dates.  It is like I want to give up and just be single for the rest of my life.  I  know the former statement is totally ridiculous but at this rate I am batting zero.

One of my friends who is in a long term relationship and getting ready to move in with her boyfriend basically vented and said things that I didn’t want to hear and never thought about.  She was a bit drunk so it could be the alcohol talking but she basically said that I am lucky to be single.  My jaw nearly hit the floor.  She said that I was lucky because I was able to do what I wanted and go wherever I please without worrying about a significant other.  She said that couples and relationships can seem perfect from the outside but you do not know what things are like behind closed doors or what is not shown on social media. She gave up certain things for her relationship like going out with friends on weekends, certain freedoms, hanging out with just her friends or family.  She has to accommodate her boyfriend and deal with some people she didn’t like or she could not just go out by herself sometimes or felt guilty when she did.  Basically, she said that I should not rush or wish that I was in a serious relationship because you do not know the sacrifices people make and ultimately give up certain freedoms you have when you are single.  SO, guess I realized that maybe not all couples are truly happy and that some people stay in unsatisfying relationships due to societal or family pressures or to keep up with the Jonses.  Also, my friend maybe was being for than a bit honest because she was drunk and possibly not fully happy in her current relationship.

For now I am single and will continue to search for a man that is my perfect fit.  I mean there is a little part of me that wants to experience the love that my friends are experiencing.  That is what I want right now is love and companionship.

The Law of Attraction

No, this has nothing to do with attracting guys.  I had a feeling you would be thinking that based on the above section.  This had to do with a more philosophical approach to life and thoughts. is the belief that by focusing on positive or negative thoughts a person brings positive or negative experiences into their life. The simple version of this is that we attract whatever we think about good or bad.

My friends basically told me instead of comparing myself to my non-single friends and wishing I had what they had I should be happy for them, I should change my way of thinking about seeking a relationship and how I feel about others relationships.  If I bring out positive vibes about those topics then positive vibes will come back to me.  This positive thinking applies to every thing in life.  Basically this was a wake up call to me and that I need to start viewing things in a more positive light and get a little happier.  I should not envy what people have or what type of relationships they are in.  Instead I should be supportive and happy for them and wish them the best and that their relationship flourishes.  This was an awesome conversation I had with some of my friends and one that was surely uncommon to be discussed int he middle of a bar with drunkards all around.  I have realized that septimes good and needed things happen in the most unusual places.  This was one of those times and it was a conversation that has impacted me for the better.  But that is some serious stuff going on at the bar.

 

The above topics and conversations helped make the bar crawl very memorable.  If this is what the first one looks like then I can’t imagine hat the next pub-crawl will look like.  I am so excited to see what happens anss what things we talk about next.

 

 

 

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Looking for Love in the Wrong Places

So, I think I am getting fed up with online dating.  It is getting more and more annoying. I am having difficulty finding anyone that I am interested in, am tired of men checking out in the middle of the conversation (aka ghosting), frustrated that my messages do not get responses, and am done with guys who are only looking for hook ups.  Online dating is a lot more work than being single.  It feels like it is a second job and you know what, it sucks big time!

I am looking to meet a man with whom I can connect with, we can learn about each other, and then we can begin a relationship.  The amount of of creepers and sleaze balls out there has really dampened my spirits about the world of online dating.  I guess that I have been looking for love in all the wrong places.

To make matters worse there are numerus people in my life who have recently met and connected with someone and are now in relationships or are getting engaged. They make the business of getting t know each other and entering a relationship look easy but here I am struggling and it is disheartening. It’s difficult to see people close to you start relationships, get engaged, or get married and here you are just trying to meet a man that is compatible with you.  I am excited for all of my friends having success in their relationships but I am wondering what is going so wrong for me.  I am putting myself out there, initiating conversations with men, and even suggesting getting coffee or an in person meeting.  I have even went on dates when men asked me out but usually after the first or second date it fizzles out.   All these other people make it look like a cake walk to meet men that are compatible with them.  Here I am putting myself out there to no avail and have not had anything progress.  I mean sometimes it is the man but other times I’m sure it is me.  I am at the point in life where I am comfortable with who I am.  I should not have to change or act a certain way to get someone to like me.  I am well past that point.  I just want to know what I am doing wrong that is keeping me in the single and undesirable zone.

All I want is to find a man and develop a connection with them that my friends have with their significant others.  Everyone else that I know has made it look easy and here I am struggling to keep my head above water looking for a man.  The only genuine connection that I have found so far was with my ex.  I would like a similar compatibility with someone else.  I know it will be different so no comparisons here.  I just want someone that I connect with on a the same level that I did with my ex.  I guess that I am looking for love in all the wrong places. I should heed the age old advice of you find what you are looking for when you stop looking for it. But I do find that as bad advice because it is like a sit an wait mentality and nothing is going to come knocking on your door.  You have to go seek it out and that is what I have been doing in this area of my life but it just hasn’t seemed to work out.

Maybe the below quote with  work out much better than the typical just sit and wait for love opinion


 

 

Let me Get this off my chest… Part 2

My last let me get this off my chest post focused on the difficulty I had getting over my break up and the positive qualities you should look for in a partner.  This post will be dedicated to things that can put wrenches or end a relationship. The issues I list below impacted my relationship and caused its doom.  These two posts are a way for me to process the events  of the break up, an attempt to finally get closure, and to help others struggling through a relationship or break up.

Qualities that can negatively impact a relationship.  Keep in mind every relationship is different and not all of these problems will be present in every relationship.

Value: Make sure that you and your partner value each other.  We both did in the beginning months of our relationship but for him it started to fade the longer we were together.  I kind of felt like he did not value me or my time the longer we dated.  It was a point of frustration for me and on this I should have made my voice heard more.  When I was commuting 45 minutes to his place every for the day (Sat or Sunday) every weekend then it was a problem.  It showed that he did not value me or my time.

Effort: This is a major reason our relationship collapsed.  I always put effort into our relationship. I would drive down to his town for the day or for a few hours just to see him and he would never come up to my area to see me or even give up one Friday night out with coworkers to spend time with me.  He would not put time in to planning dates and we eventually would just hang out at his house and watch Netflix and sports.  Over time I felt like I was constantly putting in effort and he was just coasting along through our relationship.  He just expected me to to all of the work and that is not ok.  Both parties should but all the effort they can into a relationship.

Priority:  This was another major issue in my last relationship.  I would put our relationship first and even gave up plans with my family the day after Christmas so that I could meet his aunt because I knew that was important to him.  In our relationship I would do whatever I could to be with him and he would not reciprocate.   This included me rearranging and giving up plans with family or friends so that I could be with him.  I would make sure that our relationship was one of my top priorities and he did not see things that way.  His priorities were family work, friends, sports, then our relationship.  Our relationship was dead last to him.  He basically fit me in when it was convenient or when it worked for him. I understand family and work  coming before a significant other but friends and sports should come secondary to a long term relationship.  I invited him to events with my friends and their significant others and he never went or reciprocated with his friends.  He would not even give up one Friday night out of the month with his co-workers so that we could spend time together.  He couldn’t do that and it made me mad.

Saying the only time you can spend time with me all week is a Sunday dinner because  you just had to go to your friends  football party in the afternoon or you fit time in with me for five hours on a Saturday because of you had to go see a hockey game with your buddies (the five hours was all the time that we would see each other that week). This was one of the frustrating issues for me because I am a quality time person and I was snot nearly getting enough quality time int his relationship.  I was the back burner or show off girl.  I mean the following puts things in perspective: W were going out for a year never spent a whole weekend together.  This should have been a red flag for me.  I did bring up that I would like to see him more and he agreed but nothing on his end changed.

Communication: This is different for every couple but is something that can be so trivial can greatly impact a relationship. My recommendation is to talk, talk, and guess what talk even more to each other.  Talk about anything and everything.  Open communication is crucial for a relationship to succeed.  If only one party communicates than it will cause cracks within the relationship.

When something bothered me I would always bring it up to my ex me so I could get his thoughts on the issue.  Most times he would not communicate his feelings.  He would say that he is logical and analytical so that is why he did not need to be emotional or talk about certain things.  I would bring up things related to our time spent together, effort, prioritization, and intimacy and he hardly voiced his opinion.  Most times he would say that he was happy in ur relationship or that he had to defend himself over issues and I was not placing blame or attacking him, or he would use the logical/analytical excuse as a reason not to talk about things.  It was so frustrating and his lack of communication caused major rifts and problems in our relationship.

Time spent together: This is fuel that will help your relationship grow and flourish unless you are long distance.  We live a 40 minute drive apart and he rarely drove up to my town or spend the night at my place.  He would always  have an excuse about why he could not stay the night or drive up to my area to hang out.  I loved spending time with him and would drive to him just so that we could be together.  He drove to my area a few times (5 times in all the 10 months we were dating) but he never spent  the night.  I would see him, in person, for about 7 or less hours per week.  We were dating for 12 months and barely saw each other in person!

What I have learned from all of this…

We did not have enough quality time for our relationship survive.  I was tired of only visiting him for one day, if that, a week or for a few hours. I would always drive to his area all the time and it was not fair to me.  HE would make minimal effort with the commenting even after I talked to him about it.  It changed for like a week and then went back to the same old things.  I know people make sacrifices in relationships and make things work be he was not.  I mean we had no pictures together, he would never want to talk to me on the phone unless I called him (he hates the way his voice sounded which is a load of BS),  We did not spend the weekend

I think I covered everything and I feel like I wrote a book!  But, I had to get all of that off my chest and surprisingly it has helped me a lot!  I learned that I did not value myself and let my ex get away with behavior that I was not ok with.  Next time I will communicate more and if the guy chooses not to change or ignores what I say then I will dump him instead of putting forth more effort.  On the other hand I can  scale back my effort and contact to see if it the guy even notices or how he reacts. It know that sounds terrible but maybe it will show me how much the guy values my time, effort, and prioritizes me.  I should have done that with my ex

So guys and gals always make sure your relationship is up at the top of your priority list for it to stay strong and grow!  It is not right for one person to put more effort in to the relationship. For a relationship to fully work both parties need to dedicate time and effort to it, communicate with each other, see each other in person, not make excuses for their behavior, and make each other a priority when you get serious.

Conclusion

This is NOT men bashing because these issues happen with WOMEN and not just men.  Women can do the same things to their significant others as well.  These are just the problems that I experienced in this relationship.  It taught me a lot and realized that both people need to want to communicate with each other and work things our which did not happen when I brought up the issues that bothered me.

Hope all of the above helps some reader out there!  This is just my opinion and my experience form one of my relationships.  Every person experiences and interprets things differently.  SO basically take from this what you will.

TO help me truly get over the break up I think that I should heed the advice of the below phrase

 

I am important and deserved to be treated well and I should not expect anything less.  All of this falls back on self worth, self value, confidence, and self love.

Let me get this off my chest… Part 1

Apparently my blog posts have focused on certain themes lately which seem to be dating, breaking up, and my ex boyfriend.  So, I figured I would take one or two posts to lay my emotions out on the table in an effort to help me get over him and make peace with everything. Please bear with me because this is a bit long but I feel it is necessary.  Maybe I will even help somebody in the process.

My last break up hit me really hard and it has taken a long time to process and work through the feelings felt.  To be quite frank I am not over him and by this point in time it should be a thing of the past.  For some reason I miss him and memories we had in our relationship.  I know he has moved on because the day we broke up (New Years Eve morning btw) he completely cut contact with me.  I even attempted to wish him a Happy New Year and got no response.  That stung that after a year he just cut me out with no thought at all.  It is like he threw everything we had together, crumpled it up, and threw it in the trash. Talk about being hurt so much and I am still hurting which sucks.

The break up was difficult  for me and  broke my heart.  It hurt more than any other break I have had.  What hurt the most was when he admitted he would not fight for our relationship, he could not break up with me in person because it would hurt him too much to see my face ( he was being a pussy we together for a year and he could not even break up with me in person which I deserved), he said we thought differently, and that I hurt him more than anyone had in his life and he would not be able to get over this.

Short story  is that he was not a good communicator and I tried to work out things that were bothering me to his answers of that he is happy.  After the holidays I blew up at him because I just was frustrated and it wasn’t planned it just happened.  I told him I was sorry and he texted saying he wanted to try to resolve things with me.  Then the next morning I called him to work things out and he broke up with me.  It sucks and it felt like I was sucker punched in the gut and chest.  Basically we both got hurt and it is terrible.

That us how our relationship ended in one long phone call where he said he likes me a lot, a lot, a lot but wouldn’t fight for us because we think differently and that would cause problems in our future.  The thinking differently would cause “the ugly beast to rear its head” his exact wording which in my mind refers to his difficulty in communication and his inability to want to solve problems when issues would arrive in our  relationship.

My ex was not a bad guy and was a gentleman.  We did have to work on certain things in our relationship to help it become even stronger: communication (both of us), prioritization and effort (him), talking about emotions (him), talking about intimacy (me & him).  Those were most of the difficulties  we had and some of the things he would not budge on like communicating with me, and it caused tension.  For me priority and effort were big things that need to be present in order to make the relationship work.  He would not budge on certain things.  When I am the one doing all of the commuting in the relationship there is a problem.  That is one sided and problems can not be fixed that way.  But enough about the issues for now because I am going to focus on the positive characteristics her possessed and save the difficult spots for another post.

The good things that came out of my last relationship are qualities that I will look for in another man.  The positive qualities my ex had are fantastic and any woman should look for them int heir significant other.

Good Qualities in Significant Other

-When picking a woman up get out of the car and walk up to her door instead of texting her that you are outside

-Open the doors for you and others

-Always make sure she gets home safe

-Be selfless at times and do things that she is interested in even though you might dislike or it will be out of your comfort zone.

-Make her feel like she is a part of your life by introducing you to family and friends

-Initiate and plan dates throughout the relationship and not just in the beginning stages

-Be respectful to everyone

-Make an effort to meet and be interested in your partners their friends and family

-Be punctual on your dates and if you are running late have the courtesy to call

-Good morning texts and good night texts mean a lot

-Showing affection in public

-Forehead kisses are the best

-Keeping each other updated about your life is important and do it on the daily

-No secrets and I repeat no secrets unless you want everything to fall apart

-Honesty about everything even if it hurts.  This avoids tons of problems

-Cuddling on the couch while watching your favorite Netlix or TV show

-Be in contact with each other daily

-Be willing to support each other through thick and thin

-Show appreciation for each other every day and not just on special occasions

These are just some things that should be present in a successful relationship and positive qualities that good men should display.

Please bear with me because there will be more to come on this and it is Part 2 about issues that can cause the demise of a relationship even if one or both partners exhibit the qualities above.

What are some tips and tricks that helped you get over a break up?  Has there been a relationship that you have not been able to forget or get over?

 

 

Last minute Nellys or no date

Last Minute Nellys

So, I have noticed a trend with the men in my area: they either ask you out for a date at the last minute as in the day of the date or they do not have the initiative to actually ask you out.  There have been a few scenarios where the man will ask me Friday late afternoon for date that evening.  I am a planner and would have made plans by that point.  it makes me feel like a fall back option because nothing else worked out.  I totally understand spontaneity which to me goes something like this hey, my friend Joe just gave me tickets for tonight’s hockey game.  Would you be interested in going?  That is totally different than getting asked out a few hours before for date. That irks me because it shows that some guys have no respect for your time.  Spontaneous things I will say yes to but lack of planning for a first date I have no time for.

Non-Aggressive Men 

Now onto the non-aggressive men.  They piss me off too!  I’ll have conversations with guys and they fail to actually ask me on a date.  They hint at it or mention it but never have the balls to ask.  I’ve been there where I have asked the man on the date because he was to timid to do and it was big mistake.   After initiating the first date I had to do it with the second date was well.  Let’s just say that was a short lived relationship..I find that most men I encounter especially online from my area are like this and just with hint at or insinuate things but not get the kahunas to do it.  I mean how bad is it to ask a girl out to coffee or drinks?  the worst that can happen is she says no or you waste and hour or two of your time.  But majority of guys will have a good conversation going with you and then not ask you out.  So, its either don’t waste my time if you do not plan on asking  me out or just be a man and ask because you have nothing to lose.   I know it may cause and anxiety and can be scary but I have asked guys out and got over myself.  once you do it its not so bad.  Hey if you don’t ask her out for a first date then you could be missing out on and you could start dating a good person or make a new friend.

Men if you are reading this put more effort into to planning an actual date.  I’m not saying fancy restaurant but at least the basics such as date, time, and place and if you have been talking to a woman you really like ask her out instead of just using innuendos.  Last minute Nellys and you non-aggressive men take not and

I happened to find an article that summed up my feelings and beliefs about the these too timid men:

http://ruthiedean.com/2012/05/07/real-men-dont-text-mr-late-night-mr-last-minute/

 

Has anyone else experienced this down South?  How have you dealt with any of the types of men above? I know that I have not talked to them after awhile or gave them the boot.

 

An insight to an ending

So, over the past few weeks I have been thinking about my ex a lot. This was by far my worst breakup and I think the fact that I did not get closure and how much of a shock the break up was deeply affected me. I try not to replay events that occurred during our relationship and wonder what could have been between us.

One point that stuck out recently was a discussion my ex and I had about the ending of the book Brooklyn by: Colm Tobin. We both read the book and discussed it. The ending of the novel was a rather tricky discussion for us because we both had different viewpoints about how the novel closed. I agreed with the ending and stated my reasons why and my ex did not agree with the ending and stated his reasons why. It was a fun discussion and neither of us bashed each because of our views. When everything was said and done we never brought up the book again but i have always remembered the discussion.

Recently, a close family member read the book and we discussed it and of course talked about the ending.  For those of you that don’t know the ending of the book: Eilis, main character, chooses to travel back to Brooklyn to be with Tony, a young man she married, instead of stay in her hometown of  Einscorthy, Ireland with a man she met named Jim.  We discussed the ending and it took me back to when my ex and I were talking about it.  It was eye opening rememberance  now because of how that long ago conversation about the book that I had with my ex was  foreshadowing of our relationship history.  I was the more spontaneous, adventurous and emotional one.  He was the one who played it safe, wouldn’t take risks, was logical, and unemotional.  I guess I did not think of it then but that’s how our relationship was.  He would not get out of his comfort zone or his hometown town to explore other areas or be spontaneous with me.  He would want to stay close to his home or do things that were convienet or comfortable to him.  He was a lot like Jim in the story.  I was more like Eilis because I wanted to experience different things and have new adventures instead of do the same things or stay in the same place.

In regards to our discussion about the ending of the book I agreed with the ending of the story believing that Elish saw that there was no future or growth for her in Ireland.  She would be in the same town she grew up in with the same people of her past who will not not let her forget her past and would always remind her of it. Also, there are not many opportunities for her to travel or have a career in her hometown or while she was with  Jim. Yes, Eilis would have had a comfortable life with Jim, who was  was very content running the pub for the rest of his life, but I could sense Eilis wanted more than the simple life.

My ex disagreed and said that Elish would have been better off staying with Jim because he has a stable job and would be able to provide for Eilis.  He did no think it was right how Eilis left Jim without truly saying goodbye.  He thought that Jim would be the better choice for Eilis than Tony would have because he felt that she could have better and more stable life in Ireland than she could in America.  His opinion was fine but I should have really listened and saw the similarities between things but I didn’t.

Our discussion foreshadowed the ending of our relationship.  I wanted more effort put into our relationship, I was the more adventurous one, and I could not sit in the same place on a couch all day and watch the world pass me by.  Basically things ended in part  because he played it too safe like Jim and would not initiate plans or explore new places like Tony.  So, that is partly how it ended and what influenced it’s end.  Oh, boy, I love this book but after that convo with my family member it made me think so much about my last relationship.   I think I need to take the advice of the quote below and just move forward and start a new.

So Love Sucks …

So, My last relationship crashed and burned after 10 months.  It started out good and we were both infatuated with each other.  As our relationship progressed there were differences that he did not want to work through.  Differences were not major but to him they were. It was things like,   It was devastating because I had invested so much into the relationship and thought we would be together for a long time.  However, I felt undervalued during our relationship and not seen as a priority.  For him it was family, work, friends, hockey/soccer, then Amanda (me).  I was basically worked into his schedule at his convience.  That is not how a relationship is supposed to work.  I understand work and family being at the top of a priority list before a relationship but putting friends, co-workers, and sports above me is just wrong.

There were signs throughout the course of the relationship that demonstrated that his lack of prioritizing me.  Two major occurrences were asking me to spend time with him for five hours on one weekend because he had to go to the hockey game with his friends.  Stupid me would drive out to see him for five hours because that was the only time I would get to see him all week.  Another thing that caused issues in our relationship was his refusal to give up or invite me to hang out with his co-workers or friends on Friday nights.  I asked him if he could give up one or two Fridays  with his buddies so that we could spend more time together and he balked at the idea.  Both of those things  should have been red flags about how committed he was to me and our relationship. Since he didn’t give up Friday nights we  hardly spent time together.  We would see each other once a week or for a few hours over a weekend.  That is the only time I would see him for the whole week and it sucked.  Looking back it was more like a friendship than a relationship.The quote below sums up the above and it’s so sad that things were not ended sooner.  But hey you live and you learn and I will not make that mistake again.

Signs that my relationship was doomed:

  • I was not a priority in the relationship
  • He never called on the phone or wanted to talk on the phone
  • Never wanted to come visit me in my town or at my place (we lived about 40 min drive from each other)
  • Never gave up a Friday night with co-workers or invited me to hangout out with them during the 10 months
  • Thought it was acceptable to see me for 5 hours and then I had to wait seven days to see him again
  • We never spent a whole weekend  together (Fri-Sun or Sat.& Sun) while we were dating.  There was always an excuse of how he had to visit friends or family the next day so I would have leave in the morning or not stay the night
  • Whenever I communicated something that bothered me he always got defensive
  • Never expressed his feelings: like if things were bothering him
  • Never expressed emotion or said how he was feeling about the relationship
  • Never wanted to discuss emotions or feelings in the relationship

I am not bashing him at all because the success of our relationship did not have anything to do with how he treated me.  He was a gentleman, was very nice, and respectful toward me.  However, niceness does not mean that a romantic relationship is going to work or is meant to be.  Despite his gentlemanly status, he was not ready to be in a romantic relationship (at least one with me) based on the lack of prioritization, lack of emotional communication, and hardly ant effort put into making our relationship successful.  Just because a man treats you right does not justify a lack of effort in a relationship nor does it mean that you should remain int he relationship because the person is nice and kind.

All of his good qualities are what made me love him, fight for our relationship, and not speak up as much as I should have. At the end of the day we had a friendship going on and not a true romantic relationship. The way things ended between us hurt me to my core and made me sad a long while. I kept going over events and decisions in our relationship to figure out what I could have changed or done better.  No matter how many times I re evaluated events and occurrences it does change the fact that we are broken up.  There are no guarantees or crystal balls in life and even if we did not break up when we did and stayed together there is no way to know if we would have lasted.  No matter how many times I replay things in my mind it does not mean things would have ended up with us being together forever  We could have just broken up at a different point in time.

 

Now, after doing my best to get over this man, I have jumped back in to the online dating realm which seems to have gotten worse than I remember it.  I’ll try my luck at meeting another man who I will be compatible with.

Below are quotes the sum up what I want in a relationship.  Hopefully I can find a man that can live up to both quotes one day.  I thought I found a man who could live up to these but apparently not since our relationship has ended.

Be on the look out for a post about my current dating adventures, mishaps, and crazy stories!  This is bound to be an interesting journey and one where I branch out and try new dating sites!  I’ll see how it goes and will keep an open mind to the process.