Anxiety, No trust, and Closed Off: Oh My

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I think some of my biggest flaws are that I am too guarded, worrisome, an over thinker, and come across as innocent.  All of those characteristics are hindrances in life.  While some of the labels above are good in various circumstances, they can make for a deadly combination when trying to make friends, keep friends, or when dating.

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It is so hard to be open with someone unless I feel that I can trust them.  I do not want to reveal too much in the beginning, it takes awhile for me to open up to someone, and takes time to earn my trust.  I guess you can say I have trust issues but I am cautious due to past experiences.  It partly stems from never knowing when someone is going to leave or go behind your back etc.  Due to events like the ones above I am closed off at first but slowly open up as time goes on.  My less than ideal approach creates chaos when making friends and an even bigger mess when dating.

I am slowly learning that it is ok to let my guard down with people and be more open.  This takes a ton of time for me and I am not comfortable with the idea.  It’s easier to put a wall up and distance myself before getting close to an individual. After college I realized that this “wall” has kept me back from making connections with people.  There were individuals who wanted to get to know me but were unable to because of the way I was so they stopped trying.  To think back to all of those lost moments and what could have beens makes me sad.  That is why I need to change my habits so they will not hold me back anymore.

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Besides my lack of trust I also have anxiety which effects everything and not in good ways.  The anxiety causes me to be a worry wart, overthink, and scrutinize almost every decision I make in my life.  This is so frustrating and sometimes my anxiety is all consuming. It seeps into every crevice of my life and takes loads of energy just to try to calm my worries. Basically I spend more time worrying about past choices or future ones that it puts me at a standstill.  My mind is so engrossed in worry that sometimes it can not focus on anything else but overthinking things.  What a mess this causes and it sucks.

Over the past year I have made great strides in improving my anxiety, by being more spontaneous, forcing myself to make faster decisions, and just moving on and letting what happens happen.  I am starting to realize that events I have worried about or fretted over turned out fine or were not that big a deal to begin with.  Ugh, my brain just needs to stop making everything a big deal and it is beginning to realize that.

Everything is getting better and improving albeit slowly at times.  I have seen so many improvements in the past year and am going to continue to plow forward and becoming less anxious and eventually hardly worrisome at all!  That would make things a thousand times easier than they are now.  Just wish there were a magic button at times to make the worries stop or lessen.  But  most people would wish that for various things now wouldn’t they.  Here is to worry free or

 

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