My last let me get this off my chest post focused on the difficulty I had getting over my break up and the positive qualities you should look for in a partner. This post will be dedicated to things that can put wrenches or end a relationship. The issues I list below impacted my relationship and caused its doom. These two posts are a way for me to process the events of the break up, an attempt to finally get closure, and to help others struggling through a relationship or break up.
Qualities that can negatively impact a relationship. Keep in mind every relationship is different and not all of these problems will be present in every relationship.
Value: Make sure that you and your partner value each other. We both did in the beginning months of our relationship but for him it started to fade the longer we were together. I kind of felt like he did not value me or my time the longer we dated. It was a point of frustration for me and on this I should have made my voice heard more. When I was commuting 45 minutes to his place every for the day (Sat or Sunday) every weekend then it was a problem. It showed that he did not value me or my time.
Effort: This is a major reason our relationship collapsed. I always put effort into our relationship. I would drive down to his town for the day or for a few hours just to see him and he would never come up to my area to see me or even give up one Friday night out with coworkers to spend time with me. He would not put time in to planning dates and we eventually would just hang out at his house and watch Netflix and sports. Over time I felt like I was constantly putting in effort and he was just coasting along through our relationship. He just expected me to to all of the work and that is not ok. Both parties should but all the effort they can into a relationship.
Priority: This was another major issue in my last relationship. I would put our relationship first and even gave up plans with my family the day after Christmas so that I could meet his aunt because I knew that was important to him. In our relationship I would do whatever I could to be with him and he would not reciprocate. This included me rearranging and giving up plans with family or friends so that I could be with him. I would make sure that our relationship was one of my top priorities and he did not see things that way. His priorities were family work, friends, sports, then our relationship. Our relationship was dead last to him. He basically fit me in when it was convenient or when it worked for him. I understand family and work coming before a significant other but friends and sports should come secondary to a long term relationship. I invited him to events with my friends and their significant others and he never went or reciprocated with his friends. He would not even give up one Friday night out of the month with his co-workers so that we could spend time together. He couldn’t do that and it made me mad.
Saying the only time you can spend time with me all week is a Sunday dinner because you just had to go to your friends football party in the afternoon or you fit time in with me for five hours on a Saturday because of you had to go see a hockey game with your buddies (the five hours was all the time that we would see each other that week). This was one of the frustrating issues for me because I am a quality time person and I was snot nearly getting enough quality time int his relationship. I was the back burner or show off girl. I mean the following puts things in perspective: W were going out for a year never spent a whole weekend together. This should have been a red flag for me. I did bring up that I would like to see him more and he agreed but nothing on his end changed.
Communication: This is different for every couple but is something that can be so trivial can greatly impact a relationship. My recommendation is to talk, talk, and guess what talk even more to each other. Talk about anything and everything. Open communication is crucial for a relationship to succeed. If only one party communicates than it will cause cracks within the relationship.
When something bothered me I would always bring it up to my ex me so I could get his thoughts on the issue. Most times he would not communicate his feelings. He would say that he is logical and analytical so that is why he did not need to be emotional or talk about certain things. I would bring up things related to our time spent together, effort, prioritization, and intimacy and he hardly voiced his opinion. Most times he would say that he was happy in ur relationship or that he had to defend himself over issues and I was not placing blame or attacking him, or he would use the logical/analytical excuse as a reason not to talk about things. It was so frustrating and his lack of communication caused major rifts and problems in our relationship.
Time spent together: This is fuel that will help your relationship grow and flourish unless you are long distance. We live a 40 minute drive apart and he rarely drove up to my town or spend the night at my place. He would always have an excuse about why he could not stay the night or drive up to my area to hang out. I loved spending time with him and would drive to him just so that we could be together. He drove to my area a few times (5 times in all the 10 months we were dating) but he never spent the night. I would see him, in person, for about 7 or less hours per week. We were dating for 12 months and barely saw each other in person!
What I have learned from all of this…
We did not have enough quality time for our relationship survive. I was tired of only visiting him for one day, if that, a week or for a few hours. I would always drive to his area all the time and it was not fair to me. HE would make minimal effort with the commenting even after I talked to him about it. It changed for like a week and then went back to the same old things. I know people make sacrifices in relationships and make things work be he was not. I mean we had no pictures together, he would never want to talk to me on the phone unless I called him (he hates the way his voice sounded which is a load of BS), We did not spend the weekend
I think I covered everything and I feel like I wrote a book! But, I had to get all of that off my chest and surprisingly it has helped me a lot! I learned that I did not value myself and let my ex get away with behavior that I was not ok with. Next time I will communicate more and if the guy chooses not to change or ignores what I say then I will dump him instead of putting forth more effort. On the other hand I can scale back my effort and contact to see if it the guy even notices or how he reacts. It know that sounds terrible but maybe it will show me how much the guy values my time, effort, and prioritizes me. I should have done that with my ex
So guys and gals always make sure your relationship is up at the top of your priority list for it to stay strong and grow! It is not right for one person to put more effort in to the relationship. For a relationship to fully work both parties need to dedicate time and effort to it, communicate with each other, see each other in person, not make excuses for their behavior, and make each other a priority when you get serious.
This is NOT men bashing because these issues happen with WOMEN and not just men. Women can do the same things to their significant others as well. These are just the problems that I experienced in this relationship. It taught me a lot and realized that both people need to want to communicate with each other and work things our which did not happen when I brought up the issues that bothered me.
Hope all of the above helps some reader out there! This is just my opinion and my experience form one of my relationships. Every person experiences and interprets things differently. SO basically take from this what you will.
TO help me truly get over the break up I think that I should heed the advice of the below phrase
I am important and deserved to be treated well and I should not expect anything less. All of this falls back on self worth, self value, confidence, and self love.